Bittersweet Moments

Life is one big juxtaposition. In death, we find life. In strife and struggle, we find strength. In sorrow, we find peace. In pain, we find healing. In heartache, we find self love. In scorching summer days, we find cool summer nights. In the coldest days of winter, we find silence and solitude. And….if we are lucky–or more appropriately, open to it– in life’s most anguishing moments, we are able to witness and experience beautiful moments.

Having been through the recent loss of my beautiful mother-in-law, I’ve seen so many moments in my life that are beautiful and full of blessings. In what still feels very raw and tragic, I am feeling more than ever the need to look at what is beautiful. Instead of turning to sorrow, anger, or depression, I’m watching with awe my husband grow and pay the most beautiful tribute to his mother by embracing life and all that is good. The truth is, I think that this was her parting gift to all of us–her family–the beautiful gift of appreciating and seeing life with eyes wide open.

Though we’ve always been close, I’ve felt a closeness to my husband’s family that words can’t describe. I’ve seen us all rally together to not only comfort one another, but to share in life. I enjoy sitting next to Papa (my father-in-law) at dinner and hearing his memories of Nana (my mother-in-law). When I see him, we both actually embrace in a hug! If you know either of us, this could only be explained by supernatural events!! I enjoy texting my sister-in-law’s each day with nonsense and talking about how we are coping. I’ve LOVE connecting with all of my nieces and nephew, laughing, playing games, and goofing around. Most of all, I have loved finding a renewed connection with my husband.

I have always know that Tom is the only person I want holding my hand as I’m trudging through the bowels of hell, but, as his world collapsed, I realized that I am the same for him. There is no other place in the world I”d rather be than carrying him when he can’t carry himself. Isn’t this what marriage is about, holding one another up when we aren’t able to hold ourselves? Even when it’s ugly and hard, I vowed to be the net he falls into. And believe me, there were times when it felt damn near impossible. But, after witnessing the deep love that my in-laws shared, I’ve felt this need to strive for that.

I’ve watch Kathy for many years, like a student, and now its my turn to show what I’ve learned. I want to be a gentler wife, more understanding, and less demanding of Tom. I want to make sure my kids KNOW they are loved and KNOW that they do matter. Like Kathy, when my kids ask for me, I am learning to stop and listen better. When Tom comes home from work, I’m learning to stop and greet him with a kiss and smile. When I feel down, I listen for her voice to tell me it will all be OK. It is in her loss that I’ve found a blessing of grace.

If we stop and reflect, we will learn to appreciate the simplest moments for the joy they are full of. Life is full of these moments:

Windows down, music blaring, warm air, and messy hair.

Simple walks with my dog, birds chirping a beautiful song, and the sum on my face.

Fresh baked bread, melted butter, and a happy tummy.

A rain shower and that clean “smell”.

Big squeezes from my kids.

A kiss from my husband.

A hug from my dad.

Many things I took for granted before, that I now stop and cherish.

We all miss you so much, Nana, but thank you for the gift and the reminder.

“Life is short but sweet for certain” – Dave Matthews Band