When People You Love Are Racist

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life working to confront my own biases, examine my white privilege, and generally work to create a more equitable society. As long as I can remember, social justice was and will always be a part of the fabric of my personality, woven intricately into my actions, thoughts, and generally–the company I keep.

Though-not everyone is as open to some social justice ideas as I am. And…that’s OK. I sincerely believe that we don’t all need to agree, BUT, we all need to be willing to talk to listen. Most times, my husband and I don’t agree about politics, and though he is committed to social justice, he is “learning” and always willing to talk and listen to me about social issues when they come up in our conversation. My master’s degree is in urban education, also known as, critical pedagogy, which means really learning to be an anti-racist educator. As you can imagine, social justice issues are always at the top of my mind and I love how he will listen to me and try to understand the things I’m talking about. My point is–while his view might be different from mine, he’s willing to truly listen and learn. After all, that is what education is about, being open to new ideas.

Generally speaking, this is the type of company I try to keep, but growing up in a conservative family and living in the very conservative community of Scituate, RI, not all of my family and friends have the same social justice views as I do. Again, THIS IS OK. Most of my family and friends can have intelligent conversations. We…TALK. We…LISTEN. We…LEARN. I try to understand the ideas as they try to understand mine. But, what happens when you feel like someone never seems to listen to what you say? What happens when you always feel trivialized? And….what happens when you feel like it will never matter-someone you love will NEVER be able to have a reasonable conversation with you?

I guess the answer is…move on.

Here’s the thing….if someone you care about is not willing to listen or entertain ONE thing you care about, what makes you think that person will entertain OTHER things you care about? I’ve always believed that not everyone deserves a seat at your table of life. I also believe that people come into our lives for a reason and a season. Sometimes the season is forever, and other times, it is simply a few days to a few years. No matter the length of time, people that walk into our lives are there to teach us things. For me, people who only listen to respond are not really people for which I care to spend too much time or energy on.

I’m not saying that we should avoid any relationships with people whose ideas are contrary to our own. Actually, I’m proposing quite the opposite. I think we should open ourselves up to ideas, thoughts, and beliefs that challenge us. Being challenged brings upon growth. Maybe you’ll change your mind. Maybe you’ll be more resolute in your belief. BUT…by actually listening, asking questions, and conversing we can become a world where communication is the norm. We can become a world that may see people who look, act, or think differently from us and we can say–hmmm what can I learn?

Each day that I live, I’ve constantly tried to confront my own biases, and sometimes, I do a really shitty job, but I try. Teaching mainly students of color has really opened my eyes to the institutional racism that is rampant in the US. Not everyone sees it. Not everyone is WILLING to see it, but it is there. It is the seedy underbelly of the US education system, and I’ve promised to work diligently towards making education more equitable for ALL of my children–those I’ve birthed and those I’ve come to love as my own.

If you are interested in opening your mind or working towards more equitable outcomes, here is a TINY samplig of some of the resources that I’ve dove into over the years to help me.

White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo – This book was instrumental in helping me to realize why I get that “icky” feeling when talking about race and why I feel a “certain way” about uncomfortable topics. It was enlightening, powerful, and life changing.

Writings by Paul Friere – Paulo Friere really is truly the Father of education transformation. His work on education as a means to liberate has helped me to really understand why I was drawn to education and what I hope to achieve as an educator.

The Friere Institue – Learn about Friere and his theory on education.

We Make the Road by Walking – Myles Horton and Paulo Friere Though I found this sometimes hard to follow, this conversational style book was one of the first things I ready when entering my master’s program. I began to understand that education truly is a one person at a time approach.

Schooling for Critical Consciousness By Sieder and Graves- I read this book in one of my master’s classes. Critical consciousness is preparing students of color to not only face oppression by look it in the eye, challenge it, and change the oppressive systems that are in place. I LOVED this book. Here is a great blog by Kaitlin Smith that explains a little bit more about Facing Critical Consciousness and links to the Seider and Graves book.

Though-provoking videos

Above the Noise’s “What does it mean to be anti-racist” explores some of the more insidious forms of institutional racism and explains what being truly anti-racist looks like.

“How to Overcome our Biases? Walk Boldly Toward Them.” by Verna Myers This was one of the very first resources I was exposed to when I went back to the classroom. I live by her words EVERYDAY. I hear Verna’s voice in my head every time I need a check. This Ted talk profoundly changed me.

Restore More is an amazing organization that our school collaborated with to really engage in anti-racist work. I follow the on Instagram. ANY session run by Restore more was AMAZING!

CLEE – Center for Leadership and Educational Equity- The mission of CLEE is ” to provide leaders with professional learning and support to create equitable outcomes for students in our schools.” I was enrolled in their Institute to Advance Equity and I LOVED all of it. Their website has amazing resources. I learned about so many amazing tools to being courageous conversations with students and adults.

Learning for Justice – formerly Teaching Tolerance, is my favorite go to resource as a teacher to help me tackle any social justice issues or simply learn more. They have articles, full lesson plans, videos, a monthly magazine that I love.

No matter what you choose or where you start, start today. I have soooooo much more to learn about social justice. Some things I agree with and others are still beyond my understanding. BUT…I will always be willing to listen to and talk about the things that are important to you, because YOU–a human being–are important to me.

Bittersweet Moments

Life is one big juxtaposition. In death, we find life. In strife and struggle, we find strength. In sorrow, we find peace. In pain, we find healing. In heartache, we find self love. In scorching summer days, we find cool summer nights. In the coldest days of winter, we find silence and solitude. And….if we are lucky–or more appropriately, open to it– in life’s most anguishing moments, we are able to witness and experience beautiful moments.

Having been through the recent loss of my beautiful mother-in-law, I’ve seen so many moments in my life that are beautiful and full of blessings. In what still feels very raw and tragic, I am feeling more than ever the need to look at what is beautiful. Instead of turning to sorrow, anger, or depression, I’m watching with awe my husband grow and pay the most beautiful tribute to his mother by embracing life and all that is good. The truth is, I think that this was her parting gift to all of us–her family–the beautiful gift of appreciating and seeing life with eyes wide open.

Though we’ve always been close, I’ve felt a closeness to my husband’s family that words can’t describe. I’ve seen us all rally together to not only comfort one another, but to share in life. I enjoy sitting next to Papa (my father-in-law) at dinner and hearing his memories of Nana (my mother-in-law). When I see him, we both actually embrace in a hug! If you know either of us, this could only be explained by supernatural events!! I enjoy texting my sister-in-law’s each day with nonsense and talking about how we are coping. I’ve LOVE connecting with all of my nieces and nephew, laughing, playing games, and goofing around. Most of all, I have loved finding a renewed connection with my husband.

I have always know that Tom is the only person I want holding my hand as I’m trudging through the bowels of hell, but, as his world collapsed, I realized that I am the same for him. There is no other place in the world I”d rather be than carrying him when he can’t carry himself. Isn’t this what marriage is about, holding one another up when we aren’t able to hold ourselves? Even when it’s ugly and hard, I vowed to be the net he falls into. And believe me, there were times when it felt damn near impossible. But, after witnessing the deep love that my in-laws shared, I’ve felt this need to strive for that.

I’ve watch Kathy for many years, like a student, and now its my turn to show what I’ve learned. I want to be a gentler wife, more understanding, and less demanding of Tom. I want to make sure my kids KNOW they are loved and KNOW that they do matter. Like Kathy, when my kids ask for me, I am learning to stop and listen better. When Tom comes home from work, I’m learning to stop and greet him with a kiss and smile. When I feel down, I listen for her voice to tell me it will all be OK. It is in her loss that I’ve found a blessing of grace.

If we stop and reflect, we will learn to appreciate the simplest moments for the joy they are full of. Life is full of these moments:

Windows down, music blaring, warm air, and messy hair.

Simple walks with my dog, birds chirping a beautiful song, and the sum on my face.

Fresh baked bread, melted butter, and a happy tummy.

A rain shower and that clean “smell”.

Big squeezes from my kids.

A kiss from my husband.

A hug from my dad.

Many things I took for granted before, that I now stop and cherish.

We all miss you so much, Nana, but thank you for the gift and the reminder.

“Life is short but sweet for certain” – Dave Matthews Band