What is it that keeps me flailing back and forth. As a soulful creature, I am so intune to the energies of the universe, especially that of the full moon. Many nights, I’ll sit under the moon and speak to her and her great power. I’ll release to her all that does not suit me, but tonight, I’m just not sure what that is.
I’ve had so much that has bombarded me over the past year, as have all of us, that tonight I know “I must let down all that is heavy”. Easier said that done……
As of late, I have been practicing the art of tarot card reading. I feel such a pull to get my cards and read what the universe is telling me. The other night my oracle cards told me exactly what I already knew just needed to hear. I’m sure tarot will tell me the same. Maybe I’ll see….
Anyways, though I always try to practice gratitude and positivity, today is a day where I feel more gray and conflicted. I share this because it is normal. We can’t all be 100% everyday, can we? As long as we don’t live in the darker spaces, I think it is important to acknowledge when we are there, explore where it came from, and then move on.
As the moon moves through Scoropio, I guess my intuition has been has been heightened…..If you are a believer in the the power of the universe and mother earth like me, you will understand how sometimes that “knowing” is both a burden and a gift.
Refinery 29 says, “A supermoon under the stars of a fixed water sign, the Scorpio full moon takes up all the energy in the room; it sits in the pit of your stomach, sending signals to your heart that there’s something amiss. It’s not a doom and gloom scenario — although Scorpios love a dash of both in an otherwise resplendent scene. Rather, it offers up the gift of knowing that there’s more to know, it reminds us of the burden of understanding that there’s an underside to everything.”
If this is true about Scorpio, this certainly explains how I feel. I know tomorrow will be different, lighter, but for tonight, I honor the place that I am. In this world of balance, we must be dark so we can see the light. We must be low so we can see the high. We must feel broken so we can feel whole. It is all a part of the balancing nature of the world. In each of these moments that can feel heavy, I am grateful to know that there is always another more positive side.
As I’ve shared, I started this blog a few years ago to help keep me on track with my “diet.” Since then, though only a modest amout of followers, my blog has turned into a way to share experiences that occur in my life–both good and bad–completely honesty. At the very core of my being, I truly believe that integrity and honesty are the most important virtues that we can uphold. Afterall, if integrity is doing the right thing when noone is watching; and, if we are decietful when we think we won’t get caught, then who are we really lying to…ourselves??
This isn’t to say that I’ve always chosen to do the right thing. FAR FROM IT! I often joke I have a one way ticket to hell. I’ve done lots of things that are wrong. However, after “getting caught” or “outing myself” no matter how small or large the infraction may be, I try to learn from the experience. I refuse to live in a sea of regret, fingerpointing, blame, or victimhood. I guess that is what we would call a growth mindset. I want to learn and grow from my mistakes. In order to do that, though, we must start being honest with ourselves and the things we’ve done and address the people we’ve wronged.
She’s got a ticket to ride…..and she’d don’t care!!!!
Being honest must start with being honest with yourself. If you can’t be honest with YOU–you will NEVER be honest with anyone else.
I know me and in knowing myself I can be honest about what I want in my life, who I will let in, what I will tolerate, and where my non-negotiables lie. Also, in knowing myself, is being aware of my shortfalls. And believe me, I am more awared of my more difficult sides. I try to be very self-aware, but more importantly, I try hard to be open to feedback. I’ve always said, “Just because it isn’t my experience, doesn’t mean that it is not someone else’s experience.”
I think all of these sort of thoughts are coming about because the past year–the year of Covid–has forced me to have more introspection than ever. I’ve faced the death of some loved ones. I’ve healed old wounds. I fought some of the hardest battles of my life for the people I love. A few people this year have said to me, “You’ve been through so much.”
I don’t know–I guess I have or maybe I haven’t–but I do know that my God/Universe puts in front of me only what I can handle. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, but most times I just do what needs to be done. At the very least I’m gritty. I can handle my shit. I said to my uncle today, “The BITCH is back!”
I’ve been known to be tough, have the mouth of a sailor and an even bigger attitude. One time, a long time ago, my husband said that people found me intimidating. ME??? 4′ 7″ ME???? I’m barely as big as a fifth grader….. Though, I’ve always said, what I lack in stature, I make up for in personality. #Napoleansyndrome
In some ways, that “small dog syndrome” gets me in trouble and in other ways it serves me well. Know this--I NEVER EVER EVER give up. Again, I know my limits, but once I decide something, I won’t give up until I’ve accomplished what I set forth.
In any case, all of this is to say, my blog is my place where I come to release all of those things that meander through my brain at night or pop into my brain when I shower. Here is a place where I manage my anxiety, but sharing in the real parts of me and where I struggle. Here I can be the me that people know or I am some anonymous woman sharing her experience from across the pond. Most of all, this is a place I come to share my experience because I believe that at some point someone somewhere else might recognize in me a little something in them and then they will say, “I AM NOT ALONE!”
No, no you are not alone. Even across the globe, I am here too, living, feeling, breathing the same things you do. In our honest human existence.
Love is neither romantic nor familial. Love comes in an abundance of forms. Sometimes love is dysfunctional. In choosing the titile “To All The Men I’ve Loved Before”, I orginally thought of mostly romantic and familial love, but I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention all of the other men in my life who I have grown to love and who have had an impact on the person I am.
The truth is I LOVE men! I am a HUGE flirt. Trust me, this is nothing that my husband doesn’t already know, and if I’m being honest, I think that is part of the reason we fall in love with eachother over and over again–we both like to flirt with eachother. He knows that I’ll flash a nice smile at that handsome guy when I’m out with my girlfriends and I sure as hell hope he does the same to the cute brunette when he’s out with the guys. We’re married –and comitted–but not dead! Feeling desired by others or at least feeling attractive is so important for our self esteem, but directing those feelings to the one you love is more important.
Needless to say, I have had different men come into my life that have all left an imprint on my heart in some way. Having so many positive relationships with the primary men in my life has certainly allowed me to choose wisely the ones I let in. Though I know they all won’t read this, I feel it so important to show them the appreciation they do rightly deserve.
Derek – To my other husband or rather, my husband’s husband. You, Toni, and the girls truly are our family. I can’t quite say how or when, but out friendship over the past several years has just grown together very naturally and comfortably. I know I can call you up with some question or a favor and you’ll be there in a split second. I love our Friday and Sunday night family dinners. Your children are my children and mine are yours. We have so much fun together as a unit, but it is authentic and real. I have never felt more at home with people who are not “blood”.
Most of all I am so thankful for the special friendship that has grown between you and Tom. You and I both know he busts balls calling you his best “acquaintance”, but I am incredibly happy that he found a friend in you. Though together you sometimes drive Toni and I crazy, I actually enjoy seeing you two laugh like idiots at the stupidest things. I look forward to your “date nights” because I know Tom is just laughing and having a good time with the brother he never had.
Tom Sr- You are a wonderful father-in-law to me and an even more wonderful Papa to my kids. I like how neither you nor I enjoy regular hugs or sharing our food. There is comfort in knowing there is someone as quirky as me….lol! Most of all, I enjoy seeing JT growing into a little Tommy, and by extension a little you. We see bits of you come out in him and it simply makes Tom and I smile. Thank you for leading by example to Tom what a husband and dad should be. I know you already know this, but he is amazing.
Joe B- As my “boss” you are someone who I look up to in more ways than you can imagine. In times of complete craziness for me you give me the trust and flexibily to take care of what I need to while letting me do my job. You push me just enough to grow and learn. Everyday I tell the people around me how lucky I am to have you as my boss, and most importanly how lucky I am to have found my dream job. Thank you for being you, showing me patience and flexibility when needed, and pushing me when I was resistant. The world needs more educators like you who are truly committed to equitable education for all and I hope to work with your guidance for the duration of my career.
Chris – I’ve know you since I was FIVE YEARS OLD! Though our freinship always goes through waves of absence and contact, you are always in my heart. There aren’t many people that have seen the ugliest sides of me like you have. You are the one person I turn to who will tell me the truth-like it is-no matter how hard it is to hear. Not enough people appreciate that in you. You are so blessed with a beautiful wife and children who only deserve the best – and in you they got it. I’m certain that we’ll have another 38 years of friendship–there is nothing that can break the bond we have.
Keith – I can’t tell you how much I miss our early “therapy” sessions before the kids came up to class or our coffee runs. You are the one person I can talk to who will call me on my shit. We banter back and forth and I’ve enjoyed working along side you for these 6 years now. I’ve told you that I would want you to have my own kidns in your advisory as you are a rockstar educator and dad. Thank you for your honesty, busting my chops, and keeping me on my toes. Though my job is one I really enjoy, working next to you each day has made it that much more memorable.
To those who broke my heart – Thank you. Thank you for coming in to my life and allowing me to love you. Though you were all wonderful people, you were not for me. Thank you for allowing me to see what I want in a life partner and husband. I’ve found all the best parts of you in Tom.
I’m sure there are many I’ve forgotten or neglected to mention, but that is not to say that you have not impacted my life. All in all, after having lost my Papa, one of the most important men to me, it made me think of the importance of lifting people up when they can still hear you. I also know that sometimes hearing these sentiments, especially for men, can feel odd or seem like it is coming from a place other than the heart. But to me, I say thank you to those who have impacted me in ways which have changed me for better or for worse. Without all of you, I wouldn’t now be “All 4′ 7” of me.
The old saying goes, you save the best for last, but I simply couldn’t wait. I saved the best for now – the one for who my love runs so deep inside my soul, I think I’d feel lost without him- my husband Tom.
Most of you know Tom as a loud, foul mouthed, ball buster – and yes, that is generally the parts that he’ll let most people see. But, if you are able to crack that tough exterior, you’ll be lucky enough to catch the best parts of him like I have. When you get to see these parts, like me, you’d be enamoured because my husband’s soul is gold. NO! Better than gold–whatever that would be.
I was home my freshman year of college when my friend Christina said to me, “Come with me. I want you to meet this guy I really like.” I went with her to this small apartment and met the guy she was crushing on. Average height, dark hair, strong features, a WICKED Boston accent, wearing nasty shorts and a nike T-shirt – and it was Tom. To say it was love at first sight would be a total lie. We did NOT like eachother at all. Ironically, though the world’s biggest buster, he didn’t like me because I teased him relentlessly about his Boston accent. He tried to lock me out of his apartment when I went to the car to grab something. We carreid on with this disdain for one another for a few months until I went to a party with Christina and said, “Listen, she’s my best friend, you two are friends, can we just have a truce?”. That night, as the only two sober people, we chatted and actually enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t until a few months later in June of 1997 when Christina hosted a party at her house that I realized this guy was kinda cute. We kissed – I broke up with my then boyfriend- and as they say, the rest is history! But what about Christina!?!? Well….though I broke the girlfiend code, it ended up being just fine..lol. She was in my wedding and we are still friends to this very day! In fact, when I go to Florida to visit my dad, she and I always manage to steal a night for just the two of us.
Though recounting our entire story for me would be a fun trip down memory lane, I would rather take the time to let you know about the real Tom- the man I thank the universe for every second of every day.
Though I am eternally grateful for him, it hasn’t always been easy. Tom can be tough to live with…he’s really set in his ways. He can be loud and not know when enough is enough. Sometimes he can be downright insensitive, and for a while I let those things feel personal and our marriage began to crumble. We went through a five or so year period of time where things were not good at all. We hurt eachother in many many ways. We separated. We fought. We made bad decisions….BUT we don’t live there. We don’t live in the past. We learned from our misgivings and hurt and we have allowed the bad to turn into good. Going through hell has made us stronger and though I’m sure the devil will come knocking on our door again, this time we are prepared, hand in hand, to do whatever it takes to remain “us”. In November we’ll be married for 19 years and I plan to be married to him another 99 more.
What most of you don’t see about Tom is is his unrelenting committment and love for his family. He truly is the world’s most hands-on dad. He doesn’t look at transporting kids as “helping”. He is the first one there at every extra curricular activity for the kids. For years, I’d send him on the birthday party circuit because he was so much better at it than me–and the moms LOVED him. Why not, he’s handsome, friendly and funny as hell!
I think that is what I love most, he makes me laugh, even when I’m seeing red! Tom is a big joker, and sometimes he doesn’t realize it goes too far, but overall he makes people laugh and he loves to laugh. I love his laugh – it makes me smile. I have such a dry sense of humor, that once in a while I’ll make him belly laugh and that makes my day. He calls me the fun police because I’m so much more serious, but I think we truly are a nice balance of one another. We are two earth signs working together in a solid partnership.
As a life partner, I couln’t have asked for better. I LOVE that we share the same goals in life. Our beleifs in raising children are in simpatico. Most of all, we can be honest. He’ll tell me if something doesn’t look quite right on me or let me know if I’ve had enough garlic to take down a small goat. That type of honesty only comes from a place of true love, and we are lucky to have found that.
Very much like my father and grandfathers, Tom is the hardest worker I know. He leaves our house everyday at 4:00 am to arrive home around 4:00 pm to provide for our family. We never go without. I work, too, but without his salary and dedication financial stabilty, life would be much different.
Tom is the most precious gift that I’ve ever been given.
To my mother and father-in -law – First of all, I love you both very very much. You’ve been a constant source of support and encouragement for both Tommy and I, but most of all our kids. Watching your marriage grow over these past 19 years for me is such an inspiration. You have raised THE BEST man that there is and I promise to love him–authentically and honestly–until the day I am taken from this earth. Tommy is the best combination of you both, Papa’s work ethic and old fashioned family comittment and Nana your sense of humor, personality, and loving nature. He’s created with me the world’s most amazing and beautiful children-an extension of our family and for that I can never ever show my thanks. Thank you to you both for bringing this amazing man into the world. He adores you both so very much.
Tommy – Some of my favorite moments are lying in bed late at night chatting about the day, when the house is quiet and the kids are sleeping. You are my rock. When my world is in an upheaval- you are always there keeping my grounded and sane. You do little things to keep me happy like hanging my grandfather’s maps- and I know this is your way of showing your love. Though we’ve had our dark moments,you are the ONLY person in this universe in which I’d travel over the treacherous roads of hell. I love watching you with our kids, even if you are a large kid yourself and, if given the chance, I would have had 99 more kids with you. I cherish our date nights when we sit at a bar and just enjoy each other’s company and catch up on us. I will never travel with anyone else- you are the best travel companion there is. I know I’m not easy–I’m bossy, I take on too much, I love too hard, I’m emotional, I’m anal retentive, I work too much, I clean too much, but despite all of downfalls you still love me – and sometimes I don’t know why….. I guess I’m just lucky. Together we’ve create something amazingly special–a family of five and I’ll never be able to properly tell you how that has touched my soul. You are my partner, my sould mate, my friend – and I love you- forever and always.
Have you ever eaten something that brings back a flood of memories from your childhood? Tonight was that such experience for me. My friend Toni and I met my mom at a RI staple known as “The Post”, a local restaurant with the most authentic and homemade Italian food on this side of the Atlantic. It is a place that I have spent many many meals surrounded by family, generation after generation.
Immediately I thought of the the numerous tables that we would push together on any given Friday night with all of my aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. There was always a mixture of people and the table would be filled with the best Italian bread, fried calamari, stuffed artichokes, broccoli rabe, cavatellis, etc. It was loud! It was filled with joy, and it was filled with family! Coming from a large Italian family, as you can imagine, I have many, many, MANY uncles–all of whom I cherish in their own way. But….before my dad, before my uncles, before my husband and son, came the men of The Greastest Generation – My Grandfathers.
Both of mainly Italian descent, my grandfathers were some of the hardest working men I’ve ever come to know.
Papa Ed: My mother’s father, born Edoardo Carmine Colozzi in 1926 was the son of Maria and Giovanni Colozzi–two Italian immigrants who had 10 children. Papa Eddy was the youngest of the 10, but also the caretaker of his very large family. EVERYONE LOVED Eddy–he served his country in both the Navy and Army. He worked for the US Map Service. He owned his own Italian restaurant. He played in a band, The Artistocrats–until he was well into his 80’s and he was the quintessential family man.
I can’t remember a time when my Papa didn’t hug me and shower me with love. I was his first grandchild and had a very special bond with him until the moment he took his last breath. In fact, I was there for that very precious moment, and though heartbreaking to lose such an amazing being, I was honored to have been able to hold his hand as his spririt was freed from this earthly life. There isn’t a moment in the day that goes by that I don’t feel him with me or think about him, but I know as he looks down on me and my children he is smiling with pride.
Papa loved my family with reckless abandon. He’d have the most fun joking around with Tommy–Tommy pretending he didn’t know what the Italian swears were. Earlier this year, at 94 years young, he bequeathed JT his precious acoustic guitar and taught him how to play. He made sure my girls each had an instrument so that she could share his love for music with them. And…everyday for the last 10 years I’d talk to him, and each time I’d make sure he knew I loved him. You always expect to lose your grandparents, but the love of a grandfather is so incredibly special, that I have a small hole in my heart that will never be filled. Papa – I am so thankful for all that you have given and sacrificed for us as a family. Your love still surrounds me and I hope your are raising holy hell up there in heaven, singing, dancing, smoking cigars and drinking Jack Daniels. Your absence leaves a hole in many hearts, but I promise to carry on your memory.
Papa MIke: Born Michael J. Rossi JR, to Michael and Florence Rossi, my grandpa Mike is perhaps the smartest human being on the planet. He is a man who is replete with knowledge–the guy you want to sit next to in a good game of Trivial Pursuit. Also a veteran of the US Navy and a member of the Greatest Generation, my Papa Mike raised 6 children with my grandmother Marie as he put himself through pharmacy school. Not long after, Papa opened his own neighboorhood drug store, Fernwood Drug, which later grew into Phred’s Drug, a well know pharmacy in Cranston, RI. Together with 4 of his 6 children, he grew Phred’s from the ground up. What I remember most was the big Italian Sunday dinners my grandmother would host, with a minimum of 20 people around the table. Papa would close the store at 1. All of the grandkids would be eagerly awaiting his arrival as grandma kept the water boiling on the stove. He’d walk up the long walkway with a loaf or two of bread in his hand. When dinner was served, my grandmother always served Papa first as he took his seat at the head of the table.
Those dinners were SO NOISY, but the BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. We’d all talk and laugh and then after dinner Papa and his kids would retire to the living room, sometimes to talk about business, other times to talk politics or current events. When anyone in our family had any type of ailment we were always told, “Go see Papa.” He’d “assess” us and often “diagnose” us correctly and give us advice on what to do. I’m sure this man has seen more rashes then he cares to admit. Just last year, I called him because I had a nasty case of poison ivory and the prednisone was making me bat shit crazy…… Papa knew just what to do.
Just as I was finishing highschool, my grandparents retired full-time to Florida, and when we can, we still make it down there to hangout with them. I love sitting with Pop talking about the stock market. Did I mention he is a TYCOON in the stock market and completely self taught?! The man is genius–and witty–and a Capricorn like me! Earlier this year, Covid tried its best to take him down, and my husband kept reassuring me, “If anyone can beat Covid at 91 years old, it is Papa Mike.” Sure enough, he held that Covid by the balls and told it to get lost! This is one bad ass man!
Papa – There are so many things to say and yet I feel like there is never enough time to say them. Thank you for showing us all what hard work and integrity means. Thank you for showing us that we are the only thing that can hold us back. Thank you for surrounding us with love and safety. Most of all thank you for your wisdom, wit, and humor, for without those our family might not look like it does now. Oh–and thank you for my dad–my hero–your son. You’ve done good and I love you.
Uncles- Between my mom and dad, I have 5 uncles–all of which are incredibly special to me. What is important to point out is that I was the first born in both families and both sides of my families were close. I can’t remember a holiday until recently where one set of family wasn’t with the other. My grandfathers traveled together and were good friends. My uncles hung out…it was awesome.
In particular, my dad is one of four boys and two girls–MIchelle, John (dad), Chuck, Michael, Jim, and Fran. Each uncle (and my aunts, too, but this is about the men in my life) has a unique relationship with me.
Chuck – You are my godfather. I can’t remember a day in my 43 years when you weren’t hugging me or letting me know I was special. The boys are like brothers to me. When I had JT, aside from mom and dad, you were the first one at the hospital to visit. I love you more than you can know and appreciate that you’ve held our family home together all of these years. Christmas was just not the same this year not going to 34 Highland St. Thank you for you love, generosity, and protection.
Michael – I’ll never understand why you were taken too soon. Almost one year to the day you left us, my son JT was born. I’ve always believed he was truly a gift from you. When we were little and sick, you’d bring us packages to cheer us up. We never missed a circus or Disney on Ice because you took us all! I slept over your house, I hugged you close, and I danced to Pat Benetar with you. God do I miss you EVERY DAMNED DAY. Thank you for giving me JT. Watch over us, and know that you are so loved and so missed by so many.
Jim- I remember the days of you coming home from school in Boston and throwing me around in the air as a kid. I don’t remember throwing up on your head, but I”m told I did….lol. I remember asking to interview you, my enegineering uncle, and I thought it was SO COOL what you did for a living. You are probably one of the easiest going guys I know and a true family man. Thank you for your three amazing kids and making sure family always comes first.
Mark- You, mom, and Ted always had such a strong bond–Papa wouldn’t have had it any other way. Like Papa and Gram you were blessed with the gift of music and have the voice of an angel. As of late, I don’t know what I would have done without your constant encouragement and support. Your steadfast comittment to our family, always based in love, is a rarity. I don’t think you realize how pure your love is and how good it feels to be surrounded by that love. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your calm, consistent, and warm presence.
Ted- At only 14 years apart, you are both an uncle and brother to me. There is NOTHING we can’t talk about, and often we talk about a lot of nothing. You’re one of the few people I just call for a good bullshit session. We talk about cleaning, decorating, cooking, family, finances, or just plain old stupid stuff. You’ve filled the role of parent, friend, trusted advisor, and sounding board. I know that no matter what I can be totally honest with you and you’ll love me just the same. If I need to be talked of a cliff, I call you. My kids adore you and Jenn, for good reason, and I love watching them bond with you. I can’t even begin to thank you for all you’ve done, especially the last few months, as I’ve navigated some pretty tough waters. There was always comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone and you were always by my side. Yet, we also have fun together–you, Jenn, Tommy and I, have had some of the best times together. I can’t wait until we can come back to NY, go out to dinner and have a blast like last time. Please know that I love you and I will always be there for you as you’ve been there for me.
When I was in the process of watching my grandfather transition, a friend of mine said, “We are never ready to lose our grandparents, they are a lifeline of love and history holding our families together.” I’ve come to realize just how true this is. This is mainly why I”ve chosen today to give thanks and celebrate those men who’ve come before me and have created the family legacy that I cherish so very much.
“When I’m at my best, I’m my father’s daughter” ~ unknown
Each day I look at my son and I see in him the reflection of my father. Afterall, when Tom and I finally decided on a name, we knew it had to be John. JT looked just like my dad, and now, he acts like him more each day. But, I’m OK with that. In fact, I’m elated–if my son turns out to be half the man that my dad is, then I’ve stuck gold.
I met my dad on January 11, 1978 at 11:11pm. That was the day I came into the world, and though I don’t remember the occaison, his notes to me a short month after I was born remind me.
The first child for my parents and grandchild on both sides, I made quite the entrance and not much has changed to date. Nonetheless, I felt so loved and surrounded by joy. From the moment I took my first breath, my dad and I have shared an incredible bond.
March 1978
Though we can talk about everyting and ANYTHING, most often it is the words that go unsaid between us where we communicate most. So many times we’ve be riding in the car, and as I’m deep in thought, he’ll respond exactly to what I’m thinking, and I can do the same. We have our own way of commuicating telepathically, and if I’m being honest, I’ve had to learn to actually say things aloud to my husband, because I forget he can’t read my mind….lmao! But I can’t help it, it is just the way my dad and I are. Some people don’t get it, but I don’t really care. What works for me and my dad works….and I wouldn’t change it for all of the tea in China.
Growing up my dad worked incredibly hard to provide for my sister, mom and I and though times weren’t always easy, we NEVER went without. But in the same token, my dad wasn’t afraid to teach us the value of hard work, independence, and old fashioned common sense. My mom worked too, and during those nights, my dad was in charge Typically, he’d make us his famous shakes and play “monster”. He’d pretend to be sleeping on the couch and Gina and I would tiptoe over and attempt to NOT wake the monster. Of course every time he’d wake up and catch one of us until we fell into a fit of laughter. Usually Gina pushed me into the monster and then dad and I would conspire to have her “save” me and he’d capture her, too! God, were those fun times, and the silly things that I still do with my babies.
As I grew into a woman, like typical mother and daughter, my mom and I fought like a pack of rapid wolves. My dad was always my refuge. He never disagreed with my mom in front of me, and as a parent, I appreciated that role model, but, I could always talk to him. He’d listen and often give me advice on how to “deal” with my mom. Living in a little ranch house with three women could NOT have been easy…but he generally did it with a smile on his face. Though my mom and I made our way through the teenage years, my dad and I always had that extra special bond. What was most special though, was that my mom was never jealous of that bond. In most ways she encouraged it because she shared the same bond with her dad. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t always easy seeing your daughter feeling closer to her dad, she just got it….my dad was–and still is–my guy.
There are countless moments between my dad and I… Dad took me to get my first formal dress. Dad made me french toast cut in triangles with cut up oranges when I was home pesick from school. It was Dad who I cried too when boys broke my heart. When my dad was dating after his divorce, he told me where he’d be on dates. When my parents dropped me off at college, my dad cried like a baby on the ride home. Daddy walked me down the aisle and handed me to Tom. When things were tough for Tom and I, I called my dad first when Tom and I separated. Dad met the bus for my kids EVERYDAY for years and took care of them after school. When Tom and I got back together, he trusted me and my decision and welcomed Tommy back without reserve. I continue to call Dad when I just need to feel what I feel without saying much. He’s my guy and without having him, I’m not sure what I’d do. Someone once said to me, he’s your sun–the yin to your yang– and the words left my body because that summed it all up.
Though we live 1,500 miles apart now, are hearts are closer than ever. The day he told me he was permanently moving to Florida my heart sunk in selfishness because I was desperately going to miss him and our daddy daughter date nights. In the same token, my heart soared with joy because retiring in Florida was the only thing he wanted to do. It gave me so much joy to know that his years of hard work and love finally paid off. And now…every chance I get I hop on a plane to see him and though Florida is beautiful, if he were in the tundra of the artic circle I’d fly there just for a chance to spend time with him and him alone.
I’m am so thankful for so may things in my life, but most of all I am thankful for John Michael Rossi, 2nd born of 6 siblings, father to 2, grandfather to 5 and hero to me. Without his unequivocal love and dedication to me and my sister, I truly don’t know where I’d be. I know his namesake, his grandfather Sarkis (John) Haronian, is looking down on him and the man, father, and grandfather he’s become and smiles. I, also know, my grandparents are incredibly thankful and proud of the son he is to them.
Dad- your wish to me on the day I was married was “I Hope You Dance” –and my wish for your is the same. I want you to dance. I can never ever say thank you for the life you’ve given me, the love you’ve shown me, or show appreciation for the difficult choices you’ve had to make. I can however, hope you dance and find the love in yourself that I have for you. You have always been my safe place, my haven, and the yin to my yang. There are so many things I can say but words just fail me–but that I know does not matter. You get it–you always haved and always will. So in the end, you ARE the original man I loved and always will.
Unless you are a mother of a boy, it is hard to describe the special joy that a mom and her son share. I imagine, it is a similar love that a daddy and his little girl share–at least that is the way that I imagine my dad feels about me and I about him.
On November 7, 2006, I was blessed with not only my first child, but one of the men I would grow to love like no other, my son, John Thomas Twiggs.
It is important to know that he was born on his due date, exactly on time, election day, and orginally was going to be named Logan. We took one look at the dark haired little boy and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Logan was not even remotely accurate to describe the miracle in our arms. He remained baby Twiggs for a few days, until Tom and I decided to name him John Thomas after my dad, my husband and father-in-law. AND Boy oh boy…. we got the premium collection of the three!
As my first born, we were together ALL OF THE TIME! He was a wonderful baby, and fun and incredibly smart kid, and now growing into a young man that I love and admire more every day. Words simply cannot describe the joy (and sometimes frustration) that I feel for this incredible human.
JT, as we affectionately call him, is one of the SMARTEST humans I know. Daily, he befuddles with me with facts about quantum physics, music trivia most music producers don’t know, random historical facts, and a plethora of other information that would put Ken Jennings to shame. He taught himself how to play piano, drums, some guitar, and sax…. He can fix ANY tech issue that there is. Yet, even with all of those book smarts and talents, he’s witty, down to earth, and most of all a COLOSSAL ball buster! Yep—did I mention he takes after his father and grand-fathers??
Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t perfect, but in my eyes, this boy, turning young man, has such a deep place in my heart that no other can touch. Each moment I spend with him, my love grows deeper, but my respect for this human, this amazing soul grows beyond human understanding. I am so proud everyday of who he is and where I know he’ll go.
And if I’m lucky, from time to time, I get to steal mommy JT moments, just us, enjoying eachother’s company. My favorite time spent with him mimics a tradition, I had with my own dad–riding in the car, listenting to old music and just being in simpatico. We can talk. We can not talk. It doesn’t matter, we just ride and enjoy. Tonight’s play list was 2Pac from my high school days and we talked about the importance of 2Pac’s music and the difference between West Coast and East Coast rap. His playlist then moved to Johnny Cash after some Frank Sinatra. In the midst of all of this, he taught me so much about music that I never knew. It was such a nice moment, that I felt completely full of joy.
Though this ride, like most of our rides was memorable, it was the time we spent together before that, in my grandfather’s home, cleaning and going through old things where we connected again on such a nice level. We looked at pictures of my Papa in his navy uniform as a young kid, only 3 years older than JT. We laughed at the old mailing advertisements my Papa kept because his name was on them. JT used the ROTARY phone to call his cell and his friends. And though JT was very close with his great-grandfather, he became even closer to him posthumously by learning more about who he was as a young man. It was such a moment for me, because I miss my Papa EVERY moment of EVERY day, and I know he lives on in my son in many ways.
Before he passed, my Papa insisted that JT have his acoustic guitar and he taught JT how to play. JT cherishes that instrument with all he has. He’s collected silly things from the house– a Parodi cigar box, some guitar pics, a map making tool, a watch, etc and keeps them close with love and pride of his Papa and family history. If this isn’t an amazing kid, I don’t know what is?!
Though I can’t even begin to claim credit for a tenth of the person JT is becoming, I am so proud of him and excited to see who he’ll become. His spirit carries so many of the pieces of the most important men in my life that he represents to me the best of the best of the best.
All 4'7" of me 