I knew life was going too smoothly for me. Things were just too quiet. I haven’t gotten myself in trouble nor have I embarrassed myself…at least not any more than any other day….that is until this morning.
So far summer vacation has been great; two weeks off, 90% of which was spent sunning myself on a beach somewhere between RI and Maine and lots of family time. Not to mention, The Met is a school that pays us year round, so essentially I’m getting paid to sun myself. Not too shabby….. When the opportunity came up for me to take a one week coding class that I can use in my classroom, I jumped on the opportunity, but after two weeks of the leisurely life, getting up this morning was a little rough-so rough that not even coffee could take away the sting.
In any case, the babysitter comes at 7:20 to drive the kids to camp for 9 (who by the way is a ROCKSTAR) and I make the drive to East Providence. I arrive at East Providence City Hall for 8:00 am promptly. This in itself is a big feat for me because:
- I am ALWAYS late
- I ALWAYS get lost–even if I have been somewhere 700 times. I still need a GPS to get to my in-laws house in Maine 20 YEARS LATER!
So I go upstairs, take my seat at the front of the class and set up my laptop. Class begins, and for me the pacing is a little slow, but I’ve already had a fair amo
unt of exposure to this program. Having only had ONE cup of coffee this morning, but no access to caffeine at the moment, I figure I’ll drink my flavored water. I’m drinking this water like I’ve spent a year in the Mojave desert 
because at the moment, the act of splashing water near my face is keeping me awake. It’s not even 10:00 am at this point.
First trip to the ladies room. This trip was uneventful, except the lady next to me was probably taking a dump, but hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go! This is why I try to wear nondescript black shoes. If I poop, you won’t know its me because my shoes are so common. Anywhoo, the lady with the Burks goes back to class and I follow suit.
Back in class we begin our first coding activity. I’ve already mastered this skill, but what the hell, I go through this activity and break into bottled water number 2 . I’m pounding away at my keyboard trying to convert a YouTube video into an mp3 when my bladder reminds me that it is time to be emptied again.
I welcome the brain break and make way to the ladies room. Of course, someone is sitting in the regular stall, so I have to make my way to the handicap accessible stall. Normally this is not a problem, but for some unknown reason the designers of this loo thought it would be good to hoist this toilet up and good 6 inches HIGHER than any other toilet known to man. This forces me to stand on my tippy toes to pee. I jack myself up there like a ballerina and open the flood gates. About 2 seconds later, I feel a warm stream of water coming down my leg and I look down only to discover that my own pee is ricocheting off the effing toilet seat an onto my leg!!!!
I break midstream, readjust, finish the job and grab a wad of paper towel to wipe the piss off of my leg that has now puddled around my foot and absorbed into my fabric sandals!
Come on!!! Who the fuck do these things happen to?!?! Only me! So I grab another wad of toilet paper and pick up my pee that has accumulated on the floor all the while singing in my head 
I then exit the stall, grab paper towels and rinse off the offended sandal and foot, wash my hands, and get the hell back to class!
When I get back I find out the my attempt to convert my youtube video to an mp3 was hijacked by a virus that took me down for an hour or so and then it was lunch….sweet, sweet lunch.
Thank you Jesus for the Portugalo food truck that saved my life. The rest of the day went fairly well, at least until I dropped my cup of sangria on my OTHER foot later in the evening.
I swear someone in the heavens was trying to send a message. I just don’t know if the message was to stop drinking so many fluids or to get rid of those flip-flops.
All 4'7" of me 