Morning Mayhem

If you’ve been reading along with me, you know that I had a woman who would come each morning to help the kids get on the bus in the morning.   From this point forward she will be referred to as Mary.  I hired her because I had to be in work at 8:00 am and the bus arrives at my house at 7:45.   Her basic “duties” were popping frozen waffles in the toaster, wiping my counters down, and making sure the kids were presentable for school and didn’t look like  Garbage Pail Kids.

Admittedly, I am a bit anal retentive, so I would get annoyed when I’d come home and she didn’t make the kids pick up their messes.  Sometimes my ten-year old would come home in 20 degree weather without a jacket or my very expressive 7 year old would come home looking like Punky Brewster.  She wasn’t super lovable to my kids and once told my kindergartener that if she didn’t go to school that she would be “as dumb as a rock”.  It wasn’t a perfect match, and the kids would always say, “she’s a grumpy old lady”, but inevitably she got the job done and the kids were sent off safely to school each day.

There were things I loved about Mary.  She would help me write my grocery lists and did not take any gruff from the kids.  Mary would text me if there was a problem with the kids, and I appreciated her honesty. Finally, at the end of January it seemed as if we were all in a routine.  Again, it wasn’t a match made in heaven, but our daily routine was set.  In our house a routine is as good as gold.

It all changed that fateful Sunday night when she sent me the cryptic message that she wasn’t able to come anymore.  I was annoyed.  I was hurt.  I was concerned for her.  None of it mattered, I had to scramble fast and make a plan.  Since my boss is AMAZING, he was OK with me being 10-15 minutes late until I got this situation “squared away”.

First week :If you can imagine my life as a  Guns N Roses song it would be Welcome to the Jungle, except it wasn’t all fun and games.  Kids were fighting!  I was swearing! My house was a mess!   It was anarchy and I was about the be ousted by my three gremlins!  For sure it brought me to my sha na na na na knees  and I know–I just know– they were taking bets on who would make me bleed first.

It was time for me to take control.  I had so many people offer advice and help on what to do.  Basically, I had to take the bull by the horns and enlist the help of my lovelies and make sure they stayed as Gizmos.  On this past Sunday, I called a family meeting and we developed a plan of attack.

I was very honest with my kids about the fact that their behavior was causing me to be a half hour vs 10 minutes late for work.  I told them that if I was able to get out of the door on time, that we could take that extra money each week and put it towards a fun family adventure.

The Plan: We made a dry erase chart.  To the left is a list of ALL the things they must do in the morning from feed the cats to put on your socks.  Each time they get something done, they can put a check mark in the corresponding day’s box.  Also, each kids has the opportunity to earn more checks such as sweeping the floor and washing the counters down.  Whoever gets the most points at the end gets to pick from a list of fun family things we can do together.

The results: So far so good!  Monday went well and they were motivated.  By Tuesday, we actually made it into my car and was at the top of the driveway before the bus came! My kids are doing an amazing job.  They even cleaned my counters better than Mary!

What I learned: I know that responsibility is not only good, it is essential for kids.  I learned that by including the kids in the problem solving, we found a workable solution for our family.  It worked because we all took ownership of the problem AND the rewards.  I learned that a part of me misses being a stay at home mom, but, that working keeps me sane.   Most of all, I learned that I have some pretty amazing kids! 

Although I appreciate Mary a little more now, her job wasn’t all that bad.  I’m biased, but my kids are cute, lovable, and so so so smart.  Given a challenge, my three superheroes will rise to the occasion.

Now it’s time to wake the 3 up.  Let’s see how day 3 goes.

 

 

 

 

A NEW GOAL!!!

I’ve got a new goal and I’m actually super excited about it!  I have been practicing yoga for about 4 years now, but I still consider myself anywhere from a beginner to intermediate level.  When my practice is going well, I take at least 3 classes a week.  However, as of late my practice is relegated to a few YouTube episodes every couple of weeks in my bedroom.  Mainly this is because time seems to get away from me.  This all changed on Sunday when I went to Providence Power Yoga (PPY) and took the Sunday morning 8 am class.

At the end of class, the instructor was showing another student crow pose.  Crow poses has been the bane of my existence.  Crow pose takes core and arm strength and great stability, all of which I sorely lack.  In its perfect form, crow looks like this ——————————————->>>

I, however, when attempting this pose to do not resemble anything remotely as elegant and strong as this.  I can barely lift my toes off of the floor, my flabby gut gets in the way, and my spaghetti-like arms can hardly support my weight.  Oh-and did I mention I can barely walk in a straight line never mind do this handstand.

Well, Danielle, the yoga instructor moved from Crow into a pose called the Firefly.  I was amazed to see the grace and balance she showed as she fluidly moved between the two poses.  It inspired me.

Yoga, as it is said, is a practice.  If I truly embody the essence of yoga, I have to learn to accept myself at where I am and practice and work towards where I want to be.  Where I want to be is a beautiful strong firefly.

To the right is just one variation of firefly.  This is the variation that Danielle was showcasing on Sunday morning and I was enamored with what I saw.   Tonight, I rolled out my mat, pulled up my Gaia online and gave it a whirl.  I could barely come into crow, but I tried.  Next I looked up a tutorial and I attacked it head on.  HOLY MOSES–that was an ab workout and half!  But…I did it and tomorrow I’ll do it again.

I might not get it today.  I might not get it tomorrow,  I might not get it for two years, but like Yoga, life is a practice.   I need to keep working to where I want to be in mind, body and soul.

Someday I won’t fee like a walrus when practicing my yoga.  Instead, I will be strong, confident, and able to hold myself up like a beautiful firefly.  Until then, I will practice my flow yoga regularly and then work towards the elusive position. I can only grow from here and get better.  In the tradition of ending a yoga class, I bid you good tidings with Namaste and  Om shanti, shanti, shanti.

 

 

3.25.2017

My alarm is set.  My gym bag is packed and my yoga mat is ready.  I’ve registered for an 8 am yoga class and I’m really ready to get the body to where it needs to be.  

As each day passes, I’m realizing more and more that it isn’t about the weight or the way I look in the mirror; it’s about the way my body feels.  Today is the perfect case in point.

My cupboards are so bare  that I make Old Mother Hubbard look good.

This morning I had barely enough almond milk to make my shake, but I added a touch of water and I was good to go.  Lunch rolled around and I opened the fridge and searched frantically for some semblance of a healthy lunch.  I settled on a grilled cheese and ham with banana peppers and a handful of cashews.  That’s when the downward spiral began.  Next was my dinner of 2.7777 pieces of pepperoni pizza (the .777 is to account for all of the scraps I ate off of my kids plate) and the several large handfuls of popcorn a few hours later.

Needless to say, I am paying the piper!  I feel bloated and my tummy is distended.  I’m starting to see a lot of the value in eating “whole” foods.  This past week I’ve consumed so many fresh fruits and veggies while limiting the carbs and high fats.  I almost instantly felt the difference!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, tomorrow is another day.  After yoga, my grocery list is ready to roll and I plan on stopping by Trader Joes for some yummy healthy goodies.  Kudos to me for not mailing it in and realizing that I can pick up right where I left off!

3.23.2017 A Little Bit of Sweetness

 While the proverbial sugar that I have been searching for this week has been a bit elusive, in the brief time of a few hours, a meeting with an old friend, and some good ol’ fashioned Italian medicine (AKA pasta), I have found that little bit of sweetness that I have been searching for.

I was at work today when I received a text from an old colleague that asked me if we were still on for tonight.  Admittedly I had forgotten so I immediately checked in at home to see if my wonderful husband, henceforth know as wonder-hubby, would be willing to fly solo on the Thursday night routine.  He was good to go, so I confirmed and planned to meet her at 5:30 at Angelo’s on The Hill.

The one thing I really miss about my old job is the true camaraderie that we had as a staff.  My old school is well know for the more than rigorous and stressful work environment, but, the one thing that I enjoyed at that school was the way that the teacher’s stuck together as a support system for one another.  I developed some lifelong friendship for which I will be forever thankful.  Case in point- my lovely dinner tonight.

As we sit down, we discuss what is going on at my old school.  I ask the usual questions about old students, former colleagues, and of course what is happening in general.  Although my friend didn’t say anything explicitly negative, I’ve realized that I am more than happy in the decision to leave that school and accept the position where I currently reside.  We actually take so much time chatting, that the waitress has to come back twice before we decide what we will order.

I decide on the spaghetti Aglio E Olio, but I add broccoli and pepperocini peppers.  It was delightful!  If you’ve never been to Angelo’s Civita Farnese you are missing out on a treat.  The menu is on a chalkboard wall.  The options are limited, but the price is right, and the flavor is even better!  It was featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives by Guy Fieri.    I feels a little like eating your grandma’s homemade old Sunday dinner favorites.  Growing up in a very Italian family, this is a tall order, but Angelo’s got the job done.  Needless to say, I got my Vitamin M (macaroni) and my week began to look up even more.

After leaving Angelo’s we went to Pastiche.  Pastiche is an amazing little dessert cafe on the back side of Federal Hill.  Although I have been very good at watching my calories, I allowed myself to indulge on a non-fat latte and lemon custard tart minus the whipped cream and blackberry sauce.  The conversation continued to flow easily and it felt like we were back on the same grade level team again.

It was time to go, so we hugged and made arrangements to meet over April break and then I drove home feeling light and airy once again.  I think I had a smile on my face the whole time.  It’s amazing what a little bit of human interaction can do.

Generally I try to count my blessing each day.  Experts say that if you have a daily practice of gratitude the benefits are endless.  Sometimes I allow myself get trapped in the negative energy that is around me and I forget to be thankful for the blessings in front of me.

So, in the honor of a daily practice of gratitude:

• I am thankful for friends–old and new–that remind me of life’s many blessings
• I am thankful for my kids–the keep my young and laughing everyday
• I am thankful for my students–they are why I wake-up loving my job each and everyday
• I am thankful for my husband–for allowing me to be me.  For allowing me to grow and change and for growing and changing with me
• I am thankful for family–blood or not–you know who you are and why I am thankful
• I am thankful for my strength-without it, I wouldn’t push myself each day
• I am thankful that I woke up and learned to honor myself–in writing, in health eating, and exercising–with each passing day I feel more and more amazing

Blessings,

Angela

3.22.2017 Need to Blog, Must Blog

While the need to blog is yearning inside of me, I feel blocked.  I’ve promised myself that I will come here each night and reflect on the day that has passed-good, bad, or indifferent.

Maybe so much has happened this week that I just can’t find the words tonight.  Maybe, I am just tired.  Maybe my fear is true and I don’t have a voice or anything worthwhile to say.  In either case, I still feel the urge to come here and put something, ANYTHING down in writing showing evidence that I do have half a brain.

I’ve lived my life always looking at myself as the average mediocre girl from the smallest state in the union.  In the morning, I look in the mirror and I usually see a girl who is pretty OK.  She’s somewhat smart, moderately attractive, and comfortably successful in her career and family.   And then, I go into the real world and that mirror image that I am comfortable with is shattered.  I’m just a short chubby lady, who has so much to learn, and so many ways to improve.  My teaching can be better.  My husband can be happier.  My kids can be better behaved and feel more love.

UGG–it’s just too much to bare.  I guess in all of this, I come here to my blog, to let it all go-the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have found so much comfort in the many words of encouragement and friendship.  I have found that my honesty rings true in so many other moms and women out there.  Considering all of that, that means I am not alone.

 

 

Baked Goods, Be Damned!

The day started out well.  I was down .5 lbs, the sun was shining, and I was in a great mood.  I get to work and things are moving along smoothly.  I walk into a meeting and there it is–BAKED GOODS AND EASTER CANDY– dun, dun, dunnnnnn….  The food was taunting me, trying to sabotage my two-day streak of healthy eating and exercise.  My tummy is screaming YES but my brain is screaming NO!!!

WHAT DO I DO? 

My will power is no match for the he sweet smell of sugar but I must persist.  Like a slow motion movie, the box of goodies is passed off to me.

Do I dive in and promise myself hours at the gym later?

Do I just take a crumb and lick the remnants off of my fingers?

Nah! I simply say, “No, thank you.”  Three simple words that for me, have been so empowering in eliminating the bad stuff from my life.

The yummy goodies go to the woman sitting to my right and she devours half of a donut and a Snickers bite.  I must admit I’m a little jealous and kind of want to ask to smell her breath in hopes I get part of her sugar high, but instead  I turn to my work buddy, give her a silent smile and nod because we both just showed incredible strength.  RWL office girls for the win!

This is exactly why I started blogging!  I wanted to celebrate my wins and hold myself accountable. I didn’t care if anyone read my blog, but I knew that once I put my self out there into cyberspace, shit was getting real.  In all of that, an incredible thing happened- I found my voice!

By all accounts, I never enjoyed writing.  Writing always felt like a chore; too constrained, too  many steps, and people who are better than me.  However, here I am with my fingers on the keyboard and it all just comes out.  I feel like the keyboard has become an extension of the person I am on the inside–the things that you can’t describe to most people.

When I’m here I can write of my wins, my defeats, my challenges and frustrations, which lately seems to be more than I care to admit.  But at least for now, this has become a place for me lay it all out.

Tomorrow will be another day, with more challenges and hopefully more wins, but regardless of how it all turns out, I’ll have found my voice and I place where I can talk about it all.

Lemonade or Lemon water?

8:04 pm – Sunday night

Scene: A beautiful St. Joseph’s Day celebration with good friends.  The wine is flowing, the garlic is fragrant, and the air is jubilant.  My husband and I are sitting there enjoying a nice conversation with our friends when I make the ill-fated decision to check my phone: the decision that catapults the rest of my evening and next day into a dark cloud.

My morning care provider with exactly 10 hours and 41 minutes notice, informs me that “due to personal reasons” she can no longer provide morning care for my 3 kids.

My reaction “Oh, ok.  Tomorrow?”  To which she replies, “Yes.”

Cue the lemons….           

I try to be a person who roles with the punches, but suffice it to say, I was in a bit of a tizzy.  Try getting care for 3 kids under 10 at 7 am each morning.  Is it far from an easy feat. Of course my friend,  whose soul is kind and beautiful AND who just graciously hosted an amazing dinner, offers to resuce me.  I can’t take advantage of her kindness,  so instead, I jump into action, text my delightful, ever flexible boss and inform him of the situation.

Thank you Jesus for the cheeses!!! He says, “Don’t sweat it” and I plan to get my kids on the bus for a bit until I can find someone who won’t leave me in the lurch.

Anyhow, that event just put me in a dark mood.  I make a concerted effort to offer help and live my life as a good person.  I have been known , time after time, to do good for others at my own expense and my naiveté gets the best of me sometimes when I think all people are like this.  Whether or not it was personal, it hurt.

So, I guess it felt like I was served up a big bowl of bright yellow lemons and as the old cliché goes, I should be getting my sweetener to make lemonade.  BUT  I JUST DIDN’T FEEL LIKE IT!

I decided for the time being that I would simply settle on lemon water.

5:30 am the next morning rolls around and life is a hectic as always.  I get myself ready for work, feed, dress, and shuttle the kids out the door, and then fight rush hour traffic to get to work.

I run in the office just shy of 8:30 to which the office funnyman says, “Nice to see you could join us today.”  I turn on a dime, look at him in the eyes and say, “We are going to try this again.”  I walk out and return to be greeted my usual morning pleasantries.

The kids are school are driving me bananas and the day FINALLY comes to an end.  It’s time to pick up my mom for my Great Uncle’s wake.  I’m sitting at her house with my thumb up my arse waiting for her when I could clearly be doing one million other things.  More freaking lemons!  This lemon water is getting more and more bitter as the day progresses.

Wake over.  Go home.  Eat dinner.  Put kids to bed.  Husband and kids irritate one another.  My littlest one informs me that I am selfish because I want to go for a 10 minute walk….arrrrgggggg

FINALLY- I tell the hubby that I’m off to the gym and to catch me on the flip side.  A half-hour run later and some weight work and I am a new woman.  I’m not sure I’m feeling sweet enough to turn my lemony day into a lemonade evening, but I’ll still settle for a light lemon water.

My hubby always reminds me that we can’t be 100% everyday.  In the same token, I guess we can’t always take those bitter moment that life serves up and make them sweet, but we can at least make them not-so bitter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shut that radio off!

I feel like I never have time for myself.

I feel like I don’t deserve time for myself—there is so much to do, so many ways in which I can be better, have a cleaner house, be a better mom, be a better wife….there just isn’t enough time for myself.

Life is like a constant radio playing in my head of to do lists and I just want to SHUT THE VOLUME OFF!

Even as I sit here, to reflect on myself and my quest for wholeness, I am multitasking, paying bills, listening for the dryer to buzz, etc.  It is a vicious cycle that never seems to end.  Calgon take me away!!! 

But wait!  Isn’t all of this what I wrote about yesterday- realizing that I deserve to take just a few silent moments for myself to gather myself and be thankful for all of the blessing that I have in my life.  There are so many times that I have to stop myself in the middle of a mind racing, anxiety ridden, I gotta get stuff done hissy fit to say, “WAIT!  What DID I accomplish today?  What was positive that happened during my day?  Did I make a difference in someone else’s life today?  For what am I grateful and how can I show gratitude?”

Sometimes I just have to force myself to “shut that radio off”, listen to my inner-self and talk to myself about the good I have done.  Today is no exception.  Sitting down to write was a chore, a task, something I didn’t deserve to do.  And then—I wrote that first sentence and it all poured out of me.

So, honoring myself and thinking of all that good that I have been blessed with, here is my list of things that I am proud of over the past two days.

• I went to the gym for ONE WHOLE HOUR yesterday and felt great!
• I ate well- I didn’t overdo it and was all the better.
• I went out to dinner with great friends, had fun, and laughed a lot
• I have an amazing life partner
• I cleaned the house
• I have a house
• I have food
• I have breath

So, as I get ready to tackle the Sunday, I remind myself to “Shut the radio off”.

 

 

 

Today is a new day

By all accounts, if you look at me, you might say she’s a cute lady, 4’7″, brown hair, big brown eyes…… a little chubby.  I would gander to say that most people wouldn’t consider me overweight.  But to me, what I see in the mirror, is an aging mom of 3 who could stand to lose 30 pounds.

I sometimes feel like the girl who shouldn’t be complaining when I see a lot of my friends and family fighting the good fight each day.  They are trying to lose 70, 80, 100+ pounds!  Who the F am I to complain?!?

What I am coming to realize, is that it isn’t just about the weight, it is about the way I allow myself to treat myself. I eat even when I’m not hungry.  I allow myself to eat food that I don’t love in the name of “not wasting”.  I wear makeup that is as old as my ten-year old.  I only get sleep AFTER my house is cleaned, bellies are full, and work is complete.

So what! – you say….

Welcome to motherhood-you say….

Get over yourself-you say….

Go fly a kite! – I SAY!

I deserve to be healthy!  I deserve to feel whole!  I DESERVE TO BE COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN! And, so don’t you.

Why all of a sudden have I realized that I deserve to care for myself the way that I care for my loved ones?  

My son, not meaning ANYTHING by it, said I look like Tracy Turnblad from the 2007 version of the movie Hairspray.  She’s cute. She’s sassy. She’s confident and smart.  BUT… clearly, the whole premise of the movie is that the world doesn’t like “girls like us” as said by
her mother Edna.

 

I looked in the mirror this morning and saw droopy eyes with dark circles.  My skin is breaking out like a pre-pubescent teenage girl.  My pants are getting snugger and snugger.

 

 

Last night at a St. Patty’s day party, I noticed my plate was larger than ALL of the people i
n the room, most of who are a good 1.5 feet taller than me.  AND I WIPED MY PLATE CLEAN!

I’m approaching 40….it feels a bit precarious.

So now what?

I figured, first of all I need to be open and honest with myself about how I’m feeling. I need to write it down.  I need to refer to this anytime I want to sit down at 10 pm with a gargantuan bowl of popcorn smothered in a half stick of butter.

I also wanted to share my journey with the not-so-heavy girls that can stand to lose a few pounds.  There are lots of us out there that are also afraid to say, Yes, I TOO look in the mirror and HATE myself.

I need a place, people, something to hold me accountable.  Maybe just one person will read this and give me thumbs up.  Maybe not.  Maybe-  I just find an outlet for myself and keep myself motivated.  I don’t know.

Life is so tricky.  It doesn’t come with a manual.  I work hard to better myself in and out.  I think it’s about time to figure this shit out.

Today is a new day.

My new story begins today.  I get to write the book. I get to write the chapter.  But for now, I’ll just start with the sentence…Today is a new day.