Woman, Female, Feminine, Heterosexual

I’m sitting here on my back deck reflecting on my first week back to school.  For us at The Met, the first week back is a full week of professional development. Some of our PD is pretty typical, PLC’s, LASW, culture setting, etc., but also a lot of our PD is the BEST around. I am so proud to work alongside so many incredible colleagues who constantly think about what kids needed to hit the ground running.   In particular, one of my sessions really impacted me in a big way.  The title of the session was Understanding and Supporting LGBT Students and Issues.  

LGBT issues have always been top of mind for me.

I have NEVER EVER understood why people have a problem with two people loving each other….love is love.

I never will understand why society constructs things that are “male” or “female”.   It REALLY pissed me off when a man told me that I couldn’t use the “men’s” bathroom because I could be a liability.  For what—-seeing a penis???  News flash, I’ve seen a penis or two in my day.

Most of all, it just frosts my cookies that a large part of society can’t seem to fathom that a person may have been born in the wrong body. We take vitamins to make us stronger.  We take pills to give us more energy.  For centuries people have been surgically altering their bodies. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons dates the first breast augmentation back to 1895, but other research has shown plastic surgery as far back as the Ancient Egyptians.  We’ve been changing the human body since the beginning of time in a plethora of ways, so I really struggle when bigotry, vitriol, and hatred is extended to a person who wants their genitalia to match their heart.

Suffice it to say, when I saw this workshop offered for PD this year, I jumped at the offering and despite what I thought I already knew I was challenged and learned so much more.  Because I was so inspired with what I learned, I wanted to share some of my biggest takeaways.

1. Gender is in the brain, sex is what is between your legs and in your DNA

If you were to imagine a tiny stick figure and we were to establish the difference between what sex and gender was, there would be an arrow pointing to the brain that says gender is how you feel, or as the below graphic shows, a psychological sense of yourself.  If we were talking about sex, there would be an arrow pointed to the figure’s crotch.  In other words, sex is about anatomy, chromosomes, and hormones–biology.   What is most important to recognize is that gender and sex don’t always match.  Some people are born with a penis but feel, are inclined, or are comfortable as a woman.  The opposite is also true.  Sometimes people whose gender and sex do not match choose to have gender reassignment surgery.  Sometimes surgery is not chosen because gender can be fluid or on a binary.

Though society LOVES dichotomy, their isn’t always a one or the other.  In other words, gender is fluid.  Though I have always identified myself as a woman, there are times I have felt more masculine.  If I were to graph myself below, I would say I would fall slightly to the right of woman.

2. Sex and gender are completely separate from gender expression

 

Consider myself, if I were to graph my biological sex, I would place myself just slightly to the right of female.  My anatomy and chromosomes indicate female, but because I have some facial hair I think that would make me just slightly closer to male in hormones.

However, in gender expression, I would graph myself as feminine.  I wear “girlie” clothes, have long hair, long painted nails, ALWAYS wear makeup, and shop like its my last day on earth.  In my view, this all makes me feminine.  Though I wonder, if someone else were to graph me, where would I fall???

So…someone who identifies as a woman, was born female, but likes boys jeans and t-shirts, might refer to herself as a tomboy.  Her gender and sex are completely separate from how she expresses herself.

3. Sexual Orientation is about who you love

The website itspronouncedmetrosexual.com states, “Sexual orientation is all about who you are physically, spiritually, and emotionally attracted to.”

Women love women.  Men love men.  Women love men and women.  Men love women and men.  Men love women.  Women love men.  Person loves the person.  Get it….people love people.

4.  Just ask if you aren’t sure

Admittedly going into this session, I had a good handle of most of what I’m sharing, but I still had a few lingering questions.  I wanted to know, what do you do when you are not sure what pronoun to use for a person.  The answer is so astoundingly simple–just ask!  As in intro to our group, we were asked to identify the pronouns we prefer.  I said I use, she and her.

Others in my group asked for they/theirs or ze/zir.  These are gender neutral pronouns.  Our facilitator said, most people really get hung up on the they/their pronoun because it is not grammatically correct, but if you think about it, a person who prefers a gender neutral pronoun does not choose one or the other.  That person identifies with multiple genders, therefore the plural pronoun is perfectly appropriate!

Again, if you aren’t sure just ask and if you make a mistake, sincerely apologize.   Chances are this person has had this conversation before and appreciates the chance to educate someone.

5.  Depending on the generation or age range, different vocabularies are acceptable

During the introductions in our group, a member identified herself as a woman who is a “dyke”. That is a direct quote.  Another member asked about the word dyke and is appropriateness.  It was explained to us that back in the day when she was coming out, the word dyke in her circle was a badge of honor.  It symbolized that she was a woman proud to be admitting that she loved other women and was happy to “kick your ass” if you had a problem.  She further explained that when the word lesbian became the norm, that she felt more uncomfortable with that terminology.  It felt to long and formal.  Another member of the younger generations referred to their-self as pan-sexual, meaning they have neither an attraction to woman nor man, they are attracted to the person or personality.  I guess I would call myself heterosexual, but that all sounds clinical.  I like men!  I like burly men with strong arms and sexy eyes.

What I’ve come to learn is that I still have a lot to learn.  I want to be both socially responsive and responsible.  I know that for people in the LGBT community is can be exhausting to feel like they are coming out over and over again.  Think about it…if you are “typical” you are never questioned about if your gender, sexuality, or sex.  No one really cares, right?  But if you don’t fit the “norm” , people constantly wonder and conjecture about what is between your legs or who you are sleeping with.

Be kind.  Be responsive.  Ask questions.  Educate yourself because chances are someone you love will come to you someday to “come out”.   Be an ally.

I’ve learned so much, yet I have so much to learn.

Big Bird for President?

I’m sitting at the hair salon getting rid of my hideous greys, when the ladies break out into a lively discussion about politics, particularity their dismay and disappointment with our POTUS.  

I go quiet, taking it all in, and in between their cackles and commentary, I say to my hairdresser, “When it comes to politics I usually keep mouth shut because my opinion is not always the popular one.”

Sincerely intrigued she asks, “Oh, why?  Are you a Trump supporter?”

Honestly, I was…WAS. 

Growing up in a conservative family my political leanings tend to be conservative. However, as a grown woman, I adhere to a lot of liberal policies.  So when people assisnate one’s character solely on the person they voted for in one election, it really sticks in my craw.

Yes, my fiscal policies are more conservative.  Yes, I believe in privatization and small government.  As far as I’m concerned I think the government should take as little of my hard earned money as possible and let me live my life on my property with as little regulation as possible.  Does this make me a racist misogynistic cold hearted asshole? No, I don’t think so.

On the other hand, to know me is to know that I am a huge social justice warrior and abhor any activity, words, or actions that show any type of hate based on a person’s race, cultire, gender, sexual orientation, or socio-economic status.  Growing up my parents raised me to believe that all beings are equal in God’s eyes.  Oh and furthermore, if your God is differenent than mine, that is great!  I have so much to learn from you.  I do my best to volunteer and help those who do not have, because I am very aware that as a white middle class woman, I have privileges that come with that label, advantages that others don’t. Helping is just being a decent human being, it is neither Democrat nor Republican.  

So why did I vote for Trump????   Well, I had two reasons.  

1.  Hillary Clinton does not, nor will she ever represent what I believe to be an exemplary model of a forward thinking, strong, HONEST, woman. She does not represent what I want my daughter to grow up to be.  She, to me, was the greater of two evils…..

2. So…..is Trump the lesser of the two evils……  Not necessarily, but at the time he represented change- any change-a change we so desperately needed as a nation.  The O

orange faced bleached toupee wearing buffoon was so wildly different than what we’ve beared witness to for the past 30 years that I rolled the dice…..

Do I have buyer’s remorse?  Well, the verdict is still out, but most days the answer is yes.  

I think people give him too much credit for what they think he can do.  Remember, our government is supposed to be for the people and by the people built with 3 branches of government that provide a system of checks and balances to avoid this very thing.

What is most sad is that for all of us that live somewhere in the middle, neither the extreme right nor the extreme left, we are getting royally fucked.  We are caught in a vicious game of dodgeball between two wildly diametrically opposed sides.  Somewhere out there is the perfect balance of what we need.  

Until then we allow those political pundits to use us, the tax paying public, as their bait.  We watch CNN, MSNBC, FOX, and listen to talk radio and NPR like zombies and buy what is said hook line and sinker.  

Here’s a novel idea, read a little of this and a little of that and make an informed critical decision for YOURSELF .  Use your melon.  And more so, listen to others.  Just because you haven’t had the same experience, does not mean that it wasn’t someone else’s experience.  Talk, learn, have an open mind and most of all don’t be afraid to admit your wrongs and try to right them…..

I don’t know where or with who the answer lies, but I do know that the further we split as a country-a union-the more power we give to those in charge, be it Trump, Hillary, or Big Bird.  

Two Thumbs Up

AAAHHHHH!!!

I haven’t written all summer–a little because of writer’s block, but mostly  because my summer has been so rich with experiences that I barely have time to sit down and slam my fingers on this keyboard.

What is life if it is not rich with experiences?

Since I started teaching again, I promised myself that my summers would be dedicated to spending quality time with my kids while taking a little time for me.  If I were Siskel and Egbert, I would have to give my summer two thumbs up!

As soon as school was out–late June this year–we headed up to Maine to celebrate the 4th of July with my husband’s family.   As an additional bonus, my sister who lives in the neighboring state of New Hampshire was able to come and hang out for a few hours.  It was an awesome time filled with love, laughter, and lots of fun.

Shortly thereafter, the Twiggs family hopped a plane and headed to the nation’s capital!  Tom, the kids, and I spent 5 full days exploring and eating our way through the city.  We put at least 5 miles on our fitbits each day, which is no small feat for the 6-year-old!  More times than not we heard, “My feet are tired!” or “I’m hungry!”  One of the highlights of our time there was the nighttime tour of DC by bus!  We got to sit on the top of a double-decker bus enjoying the cool air as our dynamic tour guide regaled us with interesting history and facts about DC.  We used CitySights for our tour and we even found a Groupon.  # Winning

DC is one of our favorite cities.  You do not need to rent a car, the flights from our hometown airport are cheap, and there are so many FREE–did I mention FREE– things to do!  As a bonus, the trip is educational!  When thinking of my goal of spending quality time with my family, this trip rated an A+.

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Soooo…..this was just the beginning of the traveling.  Just as soon as we arrived home from DC, I packed the car with the kids, the tent, and sleeping bags and headed up to Franconia Notch New Hampshire to go camping with my sister, brother-in-law and her kids.  Fransted Family Campground is where we made our home for 4 days!  What an amazing place.  There are TONS of free activities and games for the kids, a lazy river, and clean free HOT showers!  If you have ever been camping before, you know the value of a free hot shower!  My BIL works for the department of fish and game, so  one day he took us out on a hike to the top of Bald Mountain.  On our way up we heard a few complaints, but ultimately we made it and had breathtaking views.

After our hike, we drove over to the sight of the former Old Man of the Mountain.  He had fallen long before the kids were born.  Now there is an amazing “memorial” park with a beautiful walking path that ends at a lake where we stuck our feet in the cool crisp mountain waters.  Before the path there is a mini museum dedicated to the old man replete with super cool memorabilia and facts about The Old Man.

Our days and nights were filled with campfires, camp food, and LOTS of family bonding time.  Since I don’t get to spend that much time with my sis, this time was particularly precious.

Just as soon as the tent was unpacked, I was repacking my suitcase to head to Music City with my bff!   Since the hubby had to work, I went along with her, her hubby, and a few other girlfriends (#sisterwives).  Nashville is an amazing city!  Aside from the famous Broadway, the city is filled with really cool breweries, great eats, and TONS of different music.  Most people think Nashville is only for the country music lover, but that is far from the truth.  The fact is, I have seen more man buns and hipsters in Nashville than I have on the West End of Providence.

On Broadway, the street is lined with bars all with live bands and no cover charge.  You go in, listen to a few tunes, grab a cold Yazoo brew, and tip the band a few bucks.  When you are bored you walk to the next venue and do the same.  When you see how hard these musicians work Aldean’s song Crazy Town makes sooooo much more sense.

One of the highlights of my trip was being able to catch a show at the Grand Ole Opry!  There is not a bad seat in the house!  The acoustics at the Opry House or the Ryman are amazing and the venue is so intimate all for a super super low price.  We got to tour the backstage area and sat in some of the same seats as some of music’s greatest. It was surreal.

One of the “gifts” I received in Nashville was the curse of the “hot chicken”.  One morning we all had brunch at a place called Biscuit Love.  Biscuit Love has created heavenly mounds of flour and butter that cannot be missed!  Princess is an item on the menu that boasts Biscuit, Nashville Style Spicy “Hot Chicken” Thigh, Pickles, Mustard, Honey.   Sounds delicious, right?  It was especially after a night of drinking, but when you pair that with Jack’s BBQ (Kid Rocks’ FAVE) for dinner and another day of drinking, all of this amounts to something reminiscent of Montezuma’s revenge at 2 am!  Maybe Nashville’s Hot Chicken should change its name to Hot ASS chicken.  My poor bum hasn’t been the same……but I digress.

Despite my tummy trouble, Nashville (aka NashVegas) was a rock star trip.  We had so much fun and I got to go away with my oldest friend.  My husband held down the fort with the kids, and I came home a much nicer, more relaxed mom.  I can’t thank him enough for this mental health trip!  Sometimes moms (and daughters and wives and friends….) need to get away!

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In between all of this and rounding out my summer was lots and lots of beach days with friends.  Hearing the roar of the ocean, smelling the salt in the air, and feeling the sun warm my skin has always been happy place.  We have spent so much time enjoying what beautiful RI has to offer with people we love.  We have had play dates, pool parties, campfires, date nights, sleeping-in, staying up late, and so much more.

Bottom line-as this summer comes to a close, I am SO thankful for the blessing that I have been given.  My summer has been amazing and filled with so many memories.  Isn’t that what life is supposed to be about?  Each day I try to eliminate those things that do no serve me, and in service of doing that, I think my summer has been rewarded.  It is time to get back to the grind, but I feel ready and refreshed to do just that!

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