40, Fabulous, and almost Fearless

As a kid, I always remember looking at “older people” –people in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s– and thinking I’ll NEVER get there or I’ll NEVER be that old.  Well shit!!  I am 40!!  Turning 40, so far, was the most daunting birthday yet.

So, yesterday, my seniors and I were talking about checking ID’s when serving alcohol and I pulled out my ID to show them some features of a valid ID.  As soon as I handed it to one of my kids, he said, “Yo! How old were you in this? You look like a baby!” I was 38–just two short years ago.  As a classic over-thinker I exclaimed, “I guess that means I look a lot older now!”  2 years later, I’ve aged….   

 

Prior to 40, age was never something that bothered me.  I always swore that I would grow old gracefully.  I had visions of having beautiful silky silver hair, soft naturally wrinkly skin, and a huge smile to prove that it didn’t bother me one bit.  I planned on wearing my age like a badge.  A badge that said, I’m a bad ass and I’ve made it all of theses years I am STILL kicking it hard!  I had visions of rolling into my elder years like my Grammy.  She is as bad ass as they come.   She raised 6 kids, married a zillion years, 12 grand-kids, taught Kindergarten forever, attend Pembroke College (Brown University for women back in the day) as a bio major, and STILL has her mind completely intact.  Oh and did I mention she STILL hosts Christmas for over 30 people, in her 80’s!!!  Yeah–she’s my hero and always has been.

Anyhow, that is how I envisioned me rolling into my more mature years.  Instead I find myself running to the salon to cover every inch of grey and buying every type of eye cream imaginable.  Yesterday, as innocent as it was, the comment from my student reminded me that age is inevitable.  Thought I try my best to remain young in heart and young in mind, mother nature sometimes has her own plan.

I still eat well and exercise because I want my body to feel good while I am graced with whatever time I have on this earth.  I will continue to dye my hair because, I’m not courageous enough just yet to let it all go to grey, and well,,,,, my eyes are the one part of my body that I can honestly say I like, so I will preserve those in motherf&*%ing formaldehyde if I must.  However, overall you just can’t stop time.   I guess I could pursue plastic surgery or Botox, but that just isn’t me.  I’ve never been one to mess with what God or mother nature already has in store for me.

So, until I ball up and let it all go naturally, you’ll still catch me as a brunette with highlights and I’ll still wear that sausage suit under my dresses.  Yep–I’m 40 and I rock it!  With age, I’ve gained a few wrinkles and a few lbs, but most importantly I’ve gained confidence and wisdom.  Those are gifts that only age can bring, and for that, I’ll take each year as it comes.

40 — oh what fun!?

 

 

 

Ask and ye shall receive

When I started writing this blog, I promised myself one thing and one thing only…total honesty.  When I write, I write from the heart and the truth of what is happening in the world around me.  Having said that, I am an open book–I’ve never shied away from

questions comments, or conversations about what I write.  Needless to say, it urks me when I find out that people are trying to probe friends of mine for further information.  Why….just ask me!

 

Just on Sunday, a friend of mine said, “I have a bold question for you. Have you and Tom gone to marriage counseling?”  I wasn’t offended, I wasn’t angry, and I didn’t think it was a bold question.  In fact, I like questions.  A lot of the time when people are asking questions about an experience that you’ve been through it is because they feel a connection. In other words, have they gone through a similar experience?  Are they trying to avoid or replicate a similar experience?  In either case, I just prefer someone to be straightforward and ask….after-all it is what it is.  I would not have put it out there for the world to see if I wasn’t willing to discuss it.

So, for the rest of you who don’t have the courage to just ask me about the things I write about, yes, Tom and I did go to marriage counseling for a period of time.  Again, in the interest of honesty, Tom and I went to marriage counseling several years prior  before we ever separated.  Naturally, this begs the questions–well, did it work?

 If I said No, I’d be lying.  Marriage counseling did work.  Counseling helped us to learn how to communicate better with one another and in the hardest of times, counseling helped to translate for us.  There were times in counseling that we revealed things that we were too afraid to reveal when we were alone or at home.  Our counselor was great, as is any marriage counselor.  However, I learned that there are a few key things you need to consider when going for marriage counseling.

1. Your counselor needs to be a good match for your and your spouse.

When Tom and I initially went to counseling we sought the help of a woman we will call “Irene”.  Irene was OK.  She kept asking us “how does that make you feel” and for Tom that was the last thing he was ready to talk about.  It was almost as if we were in a bad romantic comedy.  One day she told us that all of our problems would be solved if we talked dirty in bed…… seriously….   Needless to say, she wasn’t a good match for us and we didn’t go back for a bit.

Things weren’t getting any better so I did some research and looked for a male counselor.  If you know me, you know I can talk to anyone about anything, but Tom keeps personal matters personal. It is harder for him to open up about his feelings and all of Irene’s talk about how we felt put a bad taste in his mouth.  My thought was that if we went to a man, he wouldn’t feel “ganged” up on, because that certainly is not what I was looking for, and perhaps he’d find ease in opening up.

Turns out I was right.  “Seth” was a great match for us.  One of the first things he said to us is, “You aren’t your problems, you are your story.  Tell me your story before we get into what brought you here.”  For me, framing our marriage in that manner meant a lot and reminded me about why we were even bothering with counseling.  For Tom, Seth was relate-able and funny.  It was easier for Tom to let things out.  Making a good match was key for us, and I think the key to the success of any good marriage counseling venture.

2. Counseling itself isn’t the fix

Some people think that going to marriage counseling will fix your problems.  WRONG!  YOU fix your problems. A good marriage counselor will not promise to save your marriage, rather, a good marriage counselor will give you tools and exercises that will help address the problems that brought you there in the first place.   And, believe me when I tell you, some UGLY things come out in marriage counseling…. things you didn’t even realize that existed between you and your spouse.

I remember one session we were arguing about each other’s contribution to the  housework routine.  Now, I can laugh at it, but we were going back and forth about who took on the brunt of it.  Our counselor literally pulled out two white boards and asked us to write the percentage of housework we thought we contributed.  Of course I felt I did 95% of the housework and Tom put 75%.  Since 95 and 75 don’t equate to 100% we got the message that we both think we do more and our spouse does less.  Our counselor set us up with some strategies to help us feel like we both pulling our weight.  Now we’ve learned that we each do our share in all ways to get done what needs to get done.   But….that is the key, you’ve got to do your share

3. Counseling only works if you DO the work

Sure, counseling is great and teaches your better communication and lot and lots of great strategies for living in bliss, but it is all for naught if you don’t follow those things.  In full disclosure, for a while we did what we needed to do and things got better–a lot better.  In time, though, we got complacent.  We stopped communicating effectively, we ignored each other’s needs, we said hurtful things purposely, and we blamed each other for every facet of our unhappiness instead of looking inside.   In other word’s we were no longer doing the work.

Fast forward several years later and all of this built up and we had our short separation.  It wasn’t counseling that failed it, it was us that failed us.  We gave up on ourselves and on each other.  So, when I say that I think marriage counseling works, I do think it works, but only if you are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

Let’s be honest-marriage is work.  It is THE HARDEST work I’ve ever done!   But….I will say, it is also the most rewarding work.  Sharing my life with Tom has been full of challenges and will continue to be, but ultimately there isn’t anyone else in the world that I want to walk through the joys of heaven or the fires of hell with.  Tom is my person, since 19 years old, he’s been my other half.  In so any ways we are alike and in so many ways we are different, but in the end, we balance each other out.  I’m sure tonight when I go home, he’ll find a way to irritate me and I”ll find a way to be snarky, but overall, we know that before we fall into a deep sleep, we kiss and makeup and learn to enjoy the blessings that we’ve found in one another.