Finding Free

Have you ever had one of those days where you just don’t know what the F@#$ you want?

I woke up today feeling super indecisive and with a bunch of anxiety….and I don’t know why…and I can’t decide what to do.  Is my anxiety rendering me incapable of making a decision or is my inability to make a decision feeding my anxiety?

I couldn’t even decide what to make for breakfast…and there aren’t a ton of choices….I have a keto lifestyle as of late.

Do I clean my house? Do I do yard work?  Do I waste the day and watch old movies on the couch?  Do I write my paper–which by the way is due in three weeks, but my professor has barely given us guidance.

I hate this feeling, but it will pass, as it usually does.  At least I could decide to sit and write in hopes that getting this out will give me some relief.

I guess some days are just like that.  Up in the air.  I hope when I send my final, final, FINAL paper of grad school I’ll be relaxed again.  Working full time, mom and wife of three, grad school, etc was a lot.  It is definitely worth it, but a lot.  And I think that this pandemic certainly has not helped.  Not because I am a paranoid person.  Actually, I, in many ways, think a bit of this was overdone, but, I do think that we are ignoring the mental health effects of social isolation and being “stuck” in a house with the same 5 people with no outlet for 3+ months.

Don’t get me wrong, my people are AWESOME, but I do miss hanging with my bestie getting a beverage.  I so want to go get a pedicure and not feel confined by a mask.  I want to go to the beach and dip my toes in the water but not worry that someone will judge me for not wearing a mask in open space.  And I REALLY miss dates night with my favorite guy, sitting at a bar, people watching, laughing, and canoodling like teenagers.

I sooooooooooo hope this world returns to normal soon.  I know I”ll adjust, I always do, but today has got me feeling like I just don’t know what to do about it all.

At least writing gives me an outlet to let it out.  I don’t care if anyone reads, I just know that I’ve sent my thoughts and feeling to the universe and she can send back what she sees fit. So, thanks for listening universe.  As usual, from my lips (or fingertips) to your ears and I’m feeling a little freer.  xoxo

 

Early Morning Musings…Hard work

If you know me, if you’ve read along (though it been FOREVER since I’ve written), you know that I am not afraid of hard work.

I am stubborn.  I don’t give up easily.  I would characterize myself as a fighter.  Like Muhammed Ali, I fly like a butterfly and sting like a bee!

For the past two years, I have been working to get my master’s degree in Critical Pedagogy/Urban Education.  In a short three weeks, I will be DONE with my very last class and I will be an official graduate of Providence College–Summa Cum Laude (that’s a 4.0 GPA!).  Needless to say, I worked my ass off!

There were nights I was tired and cranky. I was an absentee friend, a tired mama, and a less than adoring wife, but I am so incredibly fortunate to have so many people by my side, including my employer, building me up and never letting me forget that if anyone can do it, I can.  It feels great!  But, it still makes me think, there is still so much more to do…..

We are living in a world divided now….not by race, religion, creed, or political affiliation but in so many ways.  We are forgetting what it is like to be decent human beings, understanding, listening, reflecting, and working to create a better tomorrow.  We have divided ourselves and are not listening to one another.

Isn’t the beauty of a democratic society the belief that we all have a voice as a citizenry–that we all matter, that we can all listen?  We don’t have to agree, but if we seek to understand instead of reacting and defending, perhaps we’d be less divided and more united.  We have so much work to do.

And…I’m not afraid.  I want to dig in.  I want to get my hands dirty and gritty in making sure this world is a truly just and equitable place.  I am not afraid to look inside and confront my own biases and look at the privilege that I was born into.  I’m not afraid to speak up about what I think is right, but I am also not afraid to listen.

But, what I am afraid of, is looking at all of my kids in the eye, both my own and the one’s I call mine, and telling them that this world is just.  I can’t tell them that this world will treat them all with dignity, respect, and equality.  I can’t….it is a lie. I CAN tell them, though, that don’t be afraid to fight for what is right.  DO NOT BE AFRAID of the hard work and don’t be afraid to take a stand.