To All The Men I’ve Loved Before: A Five Part Series ~ To Those that Have a Little Piece of My Heart

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Love is neither romantic nor familial. Love comes in an abundance of forms. Sometimes love is dysfunctional. In choosing the titile “To All The Men I’ve Loved Before”, I orginally thought of mostly romantic and familial love, but I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention all of the other men in my life who I have grown to love and who have had an impact on the person I am.

The truth is I LOVE men! I am a HUGE flirt. Trust me, this is nothing that my husband doesn’t already know, and if I’m being honest, I think that is part of the reason we fall in love with eachother over and over again–we both like to flirt with eachother. He knows that I’ll flash a nice smile at that handsome guy when I’m out with my girlfriends and I sure as hell hope he does the same to the cute brunette when he’s out with the guys. We’re married –and comitted–but not dead! Feeling desired by others or at least feeling attractive is so important for our self esteem, but directing those feelings to the one you love is more important.

Needless to say, I have had different men come into my life that have all left an imprint on my heart in some way. Having so many positive relationships with the primary men in my life has certainly allowed me to choose wisely the ones I let in. Though I know they all won’t read this, I feel it so important to show them the appreciation they do rightly deserve.

Derek – To my other husband or rather, my husband’s husband. You, Toni, and the girls truly are our family. I can’t quite say how or when, but out friendship over the past several years has just grown together very naturally and comfortably. I know I can call you up with some question or a favor and you’ll be there in a split second. I love our Friday and Sunday night family dinners. Your children are my children and mine are yours. We have so much fun together as a unit, but it is authentic and real. I have never felt more at home with people who are not “blood”.

Most of all I am so thankful for the special friendship that has grown between you and Tom. You and I both know he busts balls calling you his best “acquaintance”, but I am incredibly happy that he found a friend in you. Though together you sometimes drive Toni and I crazy, I actually enjoy seeing you two laugh like idiots at the stupidest things. I look forward to your “date nights” because I know Tom is just laughing and having a good time with the brother he never had.

Tom Sr- You are a wonderful father-in-law to me and an even more wonderful Papa to my kids. I like how neither you nor I enjoy regular hugs or sharing our food. There is comfort in knowing there is someone as quirky as me….lol! Most of all, I enjoy seeing JT growing into a little Tommy, and by extension a little you. We see bits of you come out in him and it simply makes Tom and I smile. Thank you for leading by example to Tom what a husband and dad should be. I know you already know this, but he is amazing.

Joe B- As my “boss” you are someone who I look up to in more ways than you can imagine. In times of complete craziness for me you give me the trust and flexibily to take care of what I need to while letting me do my job. You push me just enough to grow and learn. Everyday I tell the people around me how lucky I am to have you as my boss, and most importanly how lucky I am to have found my dream job. Thank you for being you, showing me patience and flexibility when needed, and pushing me when I was resistant. The world needs more educators like you who are truly committed to equitable education for all and I hope to work with your guidance for the duration of my career.

Chris – I’ve know you since I was FIVE YEARS OLD! Though our freinship always goes through waves of absence and contact, you are always in my heart. There aren’t many people that have seen the ugliest sides of me like you have. You are the one person I turn to who will tell me the truth-like it is-no matter how hard it is to hear. Not enough people appreciate that in you. You are so blessed with a beautiful wife and children who only deserve the best – and in you they got it. I’m certain that we’ll have another 38 years of friendship–there is nothing that can break the bond we have.

Keith – I can’t tell you how much I miss our early “therapy” sessions before the kids came up to class or our coffee runs. You are the one person I can talk to who will call me on my shit. We banter back and forth and I’ve enjoyed working along side you for these 6 years now. I’ve told you that I would want you to have my own kidns in your advisory as you are a rockstar educator and dad. Thank you for your honesty, busting my chops, and keeping me on my toes. Though my job is one I really enjoy, working next to you each day has made it that much more memorable.

To those who broke my heart – Thank you. Thank you for coming in to my life and allowing me to love you. Though you were all wonderful people, you were not for me. Thank you for allowing me to see what I want in a life partner and husband. I’ve found all the best parts of you in Tom.

I’m sure there are many I’ve forgotten or neglected to mention, but that is not to say that you have not impacted my life. All in all, after having lost my Papa, one of the most important men to me, it made me think of the importance of lifting people up when they can still hear you. I also know that sometimes hearing these sentiments, especially for men, can feel odd or seem like it is coming from a place other than the heart. But to me, I say thank you to those who have impacted me in ways which have changed me for better or for worse. Without all of you, I wouldn’t now be “All 4′ 7” of me.

To All The Men I’ve Loved Before: A Five Part Series – The One I Chose

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The old saying goes, you save the best for last, but I simply couldn’t wait. I saved the best for now – the one for who my love runs so deep inside my soul, I think I’d feel lost without him- my husband Tom.

Most of you know Tom as a loud, foul mouthed, ball buster – and yes, that is generally the parts that he’ll let most people see. But, if you are able to crack that tough exterior, you’ll be lucky enough to catch the best parts of him like I have. When you get to see these parts, like me, you’d be enamoured because my husband’s soul is gold. NO! Better than gold–whatever that would be.

I was home my freshman year of college when my friend Christina said to me, “Come with me. I want you to meet this guy I really like.” I went with her to this small apartment and met the guy she was crushing on. Average height, dark hair, strong features, a WICKED Boston accent, wearing nasty shorts and a nike T-shirt – and it was Tom. To say it was love at first sight would be a total lie. We did NOT like eachother at all. Ironically, though the world’s biggest buster, he didn’t like me because I teased him relentlessly about his Boston accent. He tried to lock me out of his apartment when I went to the car to grab something. We carreid on with this disdain for one another for a few months until I went to a party with Christina and said, “Listen, she’s my best friend, you two are friends, can we just have a truce?”. That night, as the only two sober people, we chatted and actually enjoyed each other’s company. It wasn’t until a few months later in June of 1997 when Christina hosted a party at her house that I realized this guy was kinda cute. We kissed – I broke up with my then boyfriend- and as they say, the rest is history! But what about Christina!?!? Well….though I broke the girlfiend code, it ended up being just fine..lol. She was in my wedding and we are still friends to this very day! In fact, when I go to Florida to visit my dad, she and I always manage to steal a night for just the two of us.

Though recounting our entire story for me would be a fun trip down memory lane, I would rather take the time to let you know about the real Tom- the man I thank the universe for every second of every day.

Though I am eternally grateful for him, it hasn’t always been easy. Tom can be tough to live with…he’s really set in his ways. He can be loud and not know when enough is enough. Sometimes he can be downright insensitive, and for a while I let those things feel personal and our marriage began to crumble. We went through a five or so year period of time where things were not good at all. We hurt eachother in many many ways. We separated. We fought. We made bad decisions….BUT we don’t live there. We don’t live in the past. We learned from our misgivings and hurt and we have allowed the bad to turn into good. Going through hell has made us stronger and though I’m sure the devil will come knocking on our door again, this time we are prepared, hand in hand, to do whatever it takes to remain “us”. In November we’ll be married for 19 years and I plan to be married to him another 99 more.

What most of you don’t see about Tom is is his unrelenting committment and love for his family. He truly is the world’s most hands-on dad. He doesn’t look at transporting kids as “helping”. He is the first one there at every extra curricular activity for the kids. For years, I’d send him on the birthday party circuit because he was so much better at it than me–and the moms LOVED him. Why not, he’s handsome, friendly and funny as hell!

I think that is what I love most, he makes me laugh, even when I’m seeing red! Tom is a big joker, and sometimes he doesn’t realize it goes too far, but overall he makes people laugh and he loves to laugh. I love his laugh – it makes me smile. I have such a dry sense of humor, that once in a while I’ll make him belly laugh and that makes my day. He calls me the fun police because I’m so much more serious, but I think we truly are a nice balance of one another. We are two earth signs working together in a solid partnership.

As a life partner, I couln’t have asked for better. I LOVE that we share the same goals in life. Our beleifs in raising children are in simpatico. Most of all, we can be honest. He’ll tell me if something doesn’t look quite right on me or let me know if I’ve had enough garlic to take down a small goat. That type of honesty only comes from a place of true love, and we are lucky to have found that.

Very much like my father and grandfathers, Tom is the hardest worker I know. He leaves our house everyday at 4:00 am to arrive home around 4:00 pm to provide for our family. We never go without. I work, too, but without his salary and dedication financial stabilty, life would be much different.

Tom is the most precious gift that I’ve ever been given.

To my mother and father-in -law – First of all, I love you both very very much. You’ve been a constant source of support and encouragement for both Tommy and I, but most of all our kids. Watching your marriage grow over these past 19 years for me is such an inspiration. You have raised THE BEST man that there is and I promise to love him–authentically and honestly–until the day I am taken from this earth. Tommy is the best combination of you both, Papa’s work ethic and old fashioned family comittment and Nana your sense of humor, personality, and loving nature. He’s created with me the world’s most amazing and beautiful children-an extension of our family and for that I can never ever show my thanks. Thank you to you both for bringing this amazing man into the world. He adores you both so very much.

Tommy – Some of my favorite moments are lying in bed late at night chatting about the day, when the house is quiet and the kids are sleeping. You are my rock. When my world is in an upheaval- you are always there keeping my grounded and sane. You do little things to keep me happy like hanging my grandfather’s maps- and I know this is your way of showing your love. Though we’ve had our dark moments,you are the ONLY person in this universe in which I’d travel over the treacherous roads of hell. I love watching you with our kids, even if you are a large kid yourself and, if given the chance, I would have had 99 more kids with you. I cherish our date nights when we sit at a bar and just enjoy each other’s company and catch up on us. I will never travel with anyone else- you are the best travel companion there is. I know I’m not easy–I’m bossy, I take on too much, I love too hard, I’m emotional, I’m anal retentive, I work too much, I clean too much, but despite all of downfalls you still love me – and sometimes I don’t know why….. I guess I’m just lucky. Together we’ve create something amazingly special–a family of five and I’ll never be able to properly tell you how that has touched my soul. You are my partner, my sould mate, my friend – and I love you- forever and always.

  • 2 goofballs
  • National Zoo, Daddy and his girls
  • FDR Memorial
  • Aaaaadd….we’re off!

To All The Men I’ve Loved Before: A Five Part Series ~ Those Who Came Before Me

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Have you ever eaten something that brings back a flood of memories from your childhood? Tonight was that such experience for me. My friend Toni and I met my mom at a RI staple known as “The Post”, a local restaurant with the most authentic and homemade Italian food on this side of the Atlantic. It is a place that I have spent many many meals surrounded by family, generation after generation.

Immediately I thought of the the numerous tables that we would push together on any given Friday night with all of my aunts and uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. There was always a mixture of people and the table would be filled with the best Italian bread, fried calamari, stuffed artichokes, broccoli rabe, cavatellis, etc. It was loud! It was filled with joy, and it was filled with family! Coming from a large Italian family, as you can imagine, I have many, many, MANY uncles–all of whom I cherish in their own way. But….before my dad, before my uncles, before my husband and son, came the men of The Greastest Generation – My Grandfathers.

Both of mainly Italian descent, my grandfathers were some of the hardest working men I’ve ever come to know.

Papa Ed: My mother’s father, born Edoardo Carmine Colozzi in 1926 was the son of Maria and Giovanni Colozzi–two Italian immigrants who had 10 children. Papa Eddy was the youngest of the 10, but also the caretaker of his very large family. EVERYONE LOVED Eddy–he served his country in both the Navy and Army. He worked for the US Map Service. He owned his own Italian restaurant. He played in a band, The Artistocrats–until he was well into his 80’s and he was the quintessential family man.

I can’t remember a time when my Papa didn’t hug me and shower me with love. I was his first grandchild and had a very special bond with him until the moment he took his last breath. In fact, I was there for that very precious moment, and though heartbreaking to lose such an amazing being, I was honored to have been able to hold his hand as his spririt was freed from this earthly life. There isn’t a moment in the day that goes by that I don’t feel him with me or think about him, but I know as he looks down on me and my children he is smiling with pride.

Papa loved my family with reckless abandon. He’d have the most fun joking around with Tommy–Tommy pretending he didn’t know what the Italian swears were. Earlier this year, at 94 years young, he bequeathed JT his precious acoustic guitar and taught him how to play. He made sure my girls each had an instrument so that she could share his love for music with them. And…everyday for the last 10 years I’d talk to him, and each time I’d make sure he knew I loved him. You always expect to lose your grandparents, but the love of a grandfather is so incredibly special, that I have a small hole in my heart that will never be filled. Papa – I am so thankful for all that you have given and sacrificed for us as a family. Your love still surrounds me and I hope your are raising holy hell up there in heaven, singing, dancing, smoking cigars and drinking Jack Daniels. Your absence leaves a hole in many hearts, but I promise to carry on your memory.

Papa MIke: Born Michael J. Rossi JR, to Michael and Florence Rossi, my grandpa Mike is perhaps the smartest human being on the planet. He is a man who is replete with knowledge–the guy you want to sit next to in a good game of Trivial Pursuit. Also a veteran of the US Navy and a member of the Greatest Generation, my Papa Mike raised 6 children with my grandmother Marie as he put himself through pharmacy school. Not long after, Papa opened his own neighboorhood drug store, Fernwood Drug, which later grew into Phred’s Drug, a well know pharmacy in Cranston, RI. Together with 4 of his 6 children, he grew Phred’s from the ground up. What I remember most was the big Italian Sunday dinners my grandmother would host, with a minimum of 20 people around the table. Papa would close the store at 1. All of the grandkids would be eagerly awaiting his arrival as grandma kept the water boiling on the stove. He’d walk up the long walkway with a loaf or two of bread in his hand. When dinner was served, my grandmother always served Papa first as he took his seat at the head of the table.

Those dinners were SO NOISY, but the BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE. We’d all talk and laugh and then after dinner Papa and his kids would retire to the living room, sometimes to talk about business, other times to talk politics or current events. When anyone in our family had any type of ailment we were always told, “Go see Papa.” He’d “assess” us and often “diagnose” us correctly and give us advice on what to do. I’m sure this man has seen more rashes then he cares to admit. Just last year, I called him because I had a nasty case of poison ivory and the prednisone was making me bat shit crazy…… Papa knew just what to do.

Just as I was finishing highschool, my grandparents retired full-time to Florida, and when we can, we still make it down there to hangout with them. I love sitting with Pop talking about the stock market. Did I mention he is a TYCOON in the stock market and completely self taught?! The man is genius–and witty–and a Capricorn like me! Earlier this year, Covid tried its best to take him down, and my husband kept reassuring me, “If anyone can beat Covid at 91 years old, it is Papa Mike.” Sure enough, he held that Covid by the balls and told it to get lost! This is one bad ass man!

Papa – There are so many things to say and yet I feel like there is never enough time to say them. Thank you for showing us all what hard work and integrity means. Thank you for showing us that we are the only thing that can hold us back. Thank you for surrounding us with love and safety. Most of all thank you for your wisdom, wit, and humor, for without those our family might not look like it does now. Oh–and thank you for my dad–my hero–your son. You’ve done good and I love you.

Uncles- Between my mom and dad, I have 5 uncles–all of which are incredibly special to me. What is important to point out is that I was the first born in both families and both sides of my families were close. I can’t remember a holiday until recently where one set of family wasn’t with the other. My grandfathers traveled together and were good friends. My uncles hung out…it was awesome.

In particular, my dad is one of four boys and two girls–MIchelle, John (dad), Chuck, Michael, Jim, and Fran. Each uncle (and my aunts, too, but this is about the men in my life) has a unique relationship with me.

Chuck – You are my godfather. I can’t remember a day in my 43 years when you weren’t hugging me or letting me know I was special. The boys are like brothers to me. When I had JT, aside from mom and dad, you were the first one at the hospital to visit. I love you more than you can know and appreciate that you’ve held our family home together all of these years. Christmas was just not the same this year not going to 34 Highland St. Thank you for you love, generosity, and protection.

Michael – I’ll never understand why you were taken too soon. Almost one year to the day you left us, my son JT was born. I’ve always believed he was truly a gift from you. When we were little and sick, you’d bring us packages to cheer us up. We never missed a circus or Disney on Ice because you took us all! I slept over your house, I hugged you close, and I danced to Pat Benetar with you. God do I miss you EVERY DAMNED DAY. Thank you for giving me JT. Watch over us, and know that you are so loved and so missed by so many.

Jim- I remember the days of you coming home from school in Boston and throwing me around in the air as a kid. I don’t remember throwing up on your head, but I”m told I did….lol. I remember asking to interview you, my enegineering uncle, and I thought it was SO COOL what you did for a living. You are probably one of the easiest going guys I know and a true family man. Thank you for your three amazing kids and making sure family always comes first.

Mark- You, mom, and Ted always had such a strong bond–Papa wouldn’t have had it any other way. Like Papa and Gram you were blessed with the gift of music and have the voice of an angel. As of late, I don’t know what I would have done without your constant encouragement and support. Your steadfast comittment to our family, always based in love, is a rarity. I don’t think you realize how pure your love is and how good it feels to be surrounded by that love. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your calm, consistent, and warm presence.

Ted- At only 14 years apart, you are both an uncle and brother to me. There is NOTHING we can’t talk about, and often we talk about a lot of nothing. You’re one of the few people I just call for a good bullshit session. We talk about cleaning, decorating, cooking, family, finances, or just plain old stupid stuff. You’ve filled the role of parent, friend, trusted advisor, and sounding board. I know that no matter what I can be totally honest with you and you’ll love me just the same. If I need to be talked of a cliff, I call you. My kids adore you and Jenn, for good reason, and I love watching them bond with you. I can’t even begin to thank you for all you’ve done, especially the last few months, as I’ve navigated some pretty tough waters. There was always comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone and you were always by my side. Yet, we also have fun together–you, Jenn, Tommy and I, have had some of the best times together. I can’t wait until we can come back to NY, go out to dinner and have a blast like last time. Please know that I love you and I will always be there for you as you’ve been there for me.

When I was in the process of watching my grandfather transition, a friend of mine said, “We are never ready to lose our grandparents, they are a lifeline of love and history holding our families together.” I’ve come to realize just how true this is. This is mainly why I”ve chosen today to give thanks and celebrate those men who’ve come before me and have created the family legacy that I cherish so very much.  

To All the Men I’ve Loved Before: A Five Part Series ~ The Man Who Gave Me Life

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“When I’m at my best, I’m my father’s daughter” ~ unknown

Each day I look at my son and I see in him the reflection of my father. Afterall, when Tom and I finally decided on a name, we knew it had to be John. JT looked just like my dad, and now, he acts like him more each day. But, I’m OK with that. In fact, I’m elated–if my son turns out to be half the man that my dad is, then I’ve stuck gold.

I met my dad on January 11, 1978 at 11:11pm. That was the day I came into the world, and though I don’t remember the occaison, his notes to me a short month after I was born remind me.

The first child for my parents and grandchild on both sides, I made quite the entrance and not much has changed to date. Nonetheless, I felt so loved and surrounded by joy. From the moment I took my first breath, my dad and I have shared an incredible bond.

March 1978

Though we can talk about everyting and ANYTHING, most often it is the words that go unsaid between us where we communicate most. So many times we’ve be riding in the car, and as I’m deep in thought, he’ll respond exactly to what I’m thinking, and I can do the same. We have our own way of commuicating telepathically, and if I’m being honest, I’ve had to learn to actually say things aloud to my husband, because I forget he can’t read my mind….lmao! But I can’t help it, it is just the way my dad and I are. Some people don’t get it, but I don’t really care. What works for me and my dad works….and I wouldn’t change it for all of the tea in China.

Growing up my dad worked incredibly hard to provide for my sister, mom and I and though times weren’t always easy, we NEVER went without. But in the same token, my dad wasn’t afraid to teach us the value of hard work, independence, and old fashioned common sense. My mom worked too, and during those nights, my dad was in charge Typically, he’d make us his famous shakes and play “monster”. He’d pretend to be sleeping on the couch and Gina and I would tiptoe over and attempt to NOT wake the monster. Of course every time he’d wake up and catch one of us until we fell into a fit of laughter. Usually Gina pushed me into the monster and then dad and I would conspire to have her “save” me and he’d capture her, too! God, were those fun times, and the silly things that I still do with my babies.

As I grew into a woman, like typical mother and daughter, my mom and I fought like a pack of rapid wolves. My dad was always my refuge. He never disagreed with my mom in front of me, and as a parent, I appreciated that role model, but, I could always talk to him. He’d listen and often give me advice on how to “deal” with my mom. Living in a little ranch house with three women could NOT have been easy…but he generally did it with a smile on his face. Though my mom and I made our way through the teenage years, my dad and I always had that extra special bond. What was most special though, was that my mom was never jealous of that bond. In most ways she encouraged it because she shared the same bond with her dad. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t always easy seeing your daughter feeling closer to her dad, she just got it….my dad was–and still is–my guy.

There are countless moments between my dad and I… Dad took me to get my first formal dress. Dad made me french toast cut in triangles with cut up oranges when I was home pesick from school. It was Dad who I cried too when boys broke my heart. When my dad was dating after his divorce, he told me where he’d be on dates. When my parents dropped me off at college, my dad cried like a baby on the ride home. Daddy walked me down the aisle and handed me to Tom. When things were tough for Tom and I, I called my dad first when Tom and I separated. Dad met the bus for my kids EVERYDAY for years and took care of them after school. When Tom and I got back together, he trusted me and my decision and welcomed Tommy back without reserve. I continue to call Dad when I just need to feel what I feel without saying much. He’s my guy and without having him, I’m not sure what I’d do. Someone once said to me, he’s your sun–the yin to your yang– and the words left my body because that summed it all up.

Though we live 1,500 miles apart now, are hearts are closer than ever. The day he told me he was permanently moving to Florida my heart sunk in selfishness because I was desperately going to miss him and our daddy daughter date nights. In the same token, my heart soared with joy because retiring in Florida was the only thing he wanted to do. It gave me so much joy to know that his years of hard work and love finally paid off. And now…every chance I get I hop on a plane to see him and though Florida is beautiful, if he were in the tundra of the artic circle I’d fly there just for a chance to spend time with him and him alone.

I’m am so thankful for so may things in my life, but most of all I am thankful for John Michael Rossi, 2nd born of 6 siblings, father to 2, grandfather to 5 and hero to me. Without his unequivocal love and dedication to me and my sister, I truly don’t know where I’d be. I know his namesake, his grandfather Sarkis (John) Haronian, is looking down on him and the man, father, and grandfather he’s become and smiles. I, also know, my grandparents are incredibly thankful and proud of the son he is to them.

Dad- your wish to me on the day I was married was “I Hope You Dance” –and my wish for your is the same. I want you to dance. I can never ever say thank you for the life you’ve given me, the love you’ve shown me, or show appreciation for the difficult choices you’ve had to make. I can however, hope you dance and find the love in yourself that I have for you. You have always been my safe place, my haven, and the yin to my yang. There are so many things I can say but words just fail me–but that I know does not matter. You get it–you always haved and always will. So in the end, you ARE the original man I loved and always will.

Love~ Angel

Just a FEW of the many pictures of my dad.

To All the Men I’ve Loved Before: A Five Part Series ~ My Son…

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Unless you are a mother of a boy, it is hard to describe the special joy that a mom and her son share. I imagine, it is a similar love that a daddy and his little girl share–at least that is the way that I imagine my dad feels about me and I about him.

On November 7, 2006, I was blessed with not only my first child, but one of the men I would grow to love like no other, my son, John Thomas Twiggs.

It is important to know that he was born on his due date, exactly on time, election day, and orginally was going to be named Logan. We took one look at the dark haired little boy and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Logan was not even remotely accurate to describe the miracle in our arms. He remained baby Twiggs for a few days, until Tom and I decided to name him John Thomas after my dad, my husband and father-in-law. AND Boy oh boy…. we got the premium collection of the three!

As my first born, we were together ALL OF THE TIME! He was a wonderful baby, and fun and incredibly smart kid, and now growing into a young man that I love and admire more every day. Words simply cannot describe the joy (and sometimes frustration) that I feel for this incredible human.

JT, as we affectionately call him, is one of the SMARTEST humans I know. Daily, he befuddles with me with facts about quantum physics, music trivia most music producers don’t know, random historical facts, and a plethora of other information that would put Ken Jennings to shame. He taught himself how to play piano, drums, some guitar, and sax…. He can fix ANY tech issue that there is. Yet, even with all of those book smarts and talents, he’s witty, down to earth, and most of all a COLOSSAL ball buster! Yep—did I mention he takes after his father and grand-fathers??

Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t perfect, but in my eyes, this boy, turning young man, has such a deep place in my heart that no other can touch. Each moment I spend with him, my love grows deeper, but my respect for this human, this amazing soul grows beyond human understanding. I am so proud everyday of who he is and where I know he’ll go.

And if I’m lucky, from time to time, I get to steal mommy JT moments, just us, enjoying eachother’s company. My favorite time spent with him mimics a tradition, I had with my own dad–riding in the car, listenting to old music and just being in simpatico. We can talk. We can not talk. It doesn’t matter, we just ride and enjoy. Tonight’s play list was 2Pac from my high school days and we talked about the importance of 2Pac’s music and the difference between West Coast and East Coast rap. His playlist then moved to Johnny Cash after some Frank Sinatra. In the midst of all of this, he taught me so much about music that I never knew. It was such a nice moment, that I felt completely full of joy.

Though this ride, like most of our rides was memorable, it was the time we spent together before that, in my grandfather’s home, cleaning and going through old things where we connected again on such a nice level. We looked at pictures of my Papa in his navy uniform as a young kid, only 3 years older than JT. We laughed at the old mailing advertisements my Papa kept because his name was on them. JT used the ROTARY phone to call his cell and his friends. And though JT was very close with his great-grandfather, he became even closer to him posthumously by learning more about who he was as a young man. It was such a moment for me, because I miss my Papa EVERY moment of EVERY day, and I know he lives on in my son in many ways.

Before he passed, my Papa insisted that JT have his acoustic guitar and he taught JT how to play. JT cherishes that instrument with all he has. He’s collected silly things from the house– a Parodi cigar box, some guitar pics, a map making tool, a watch, etc and keeps them close with love and pride of his Papa and family history. If this isn’t an amazing kid, I don’t know what is?!

Though I can’t even begin to claim credit for a tenth of the person JT is becoming, I am so proud of him and excited to see who he’ll become. His spirit carries so many of the pieces of the most important men in my life that he represents to me the best of the best of the best.

Buddy, I love you and I forever will.

Love,

Your mom

Dancing Naked

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This morning I danced naked in front of my bathroom mirror. I’m not sharing this to give anyone the willies or to put images you’d rather not have in your head, but I’m sharing this because, at some level, I finally reached a moment of self acceptance. You should know, I don’t just normally stand naked in front of a mirror. Quite the contrary. For 43 years, I’ve done everything in my power not to look at myself, feeling totally disgusted at what I see.

This morning, I was getting in the shower and a great song came on and my feet just started moving. I glanced over at the mirror and for the first time in 43 YEARS...I was not completely nauseated by what I saw. In fact…I smiled. I smiled at the gentle curves. I smiled at the c-section scars from 3 beautiful kids. This might be TMI here, but I even smiled at the now not-so-perky boobs. For one brief second, I just accepted myself–as I was– as God and The Universe intended me to be. And it felt great. Wow….the power in that. And then…I danced a little harder.

I wish this occurred for me more often and I certainly hope that I will feel this way as the days turn. I do know, though, that I am a work in progress, like a sculpture that is never complete and always changing. I am trying hard to live what I preach to my kids–accept yourself as you are and don’t place value in your physical being. Easier said than done.

I look at my children every day and I am not only in awe of who they are and who they are becoming in personality, emotional well being, and the like, but I look at them and find such beauty in their physical being. To me, they are the picture of perfection. I want JT, Maddie, and Maeve to feel the peace of accepting who they are physcially, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But first, to truly encourage that in them, I have to live those words myself. And today, I finally had on brief moment of full acceptance of who I am, where I’ve been, how I’ve grown, and where I am going.

To all of you who talk to yourself as if you are your own biggest enemy, start small. Look in the mirror and find ONE SMALL thing you like. Maybe it is your eye color or the way the shirt fits you. Maybe even smaller. But start–start finding things about yourself to celebrate no matter how small. One day, you will look in the mirror and just smile. And why not? Why shouldn’t you?

I truly believe if we as a human race were a little more accepting of ourselves, faults and all, we’d live in a much more harmonious world. We’d stop judging others because of the insecurities we feel. So love yourself a little, if not today, tomorrow. But do it…just love YOU!

xoxo

Lessons I’ve Learned From Brandy

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In February of last year, my family and I decided to add to our family once again and adopted a 75 lb Bloodhound-German Shepherd mix. We didn’t know much about him at all except that he came up from Memphis, TN and was told he was kid, cat, and dog friendly.

I saw him on the Rhode Home Rescue Facebook page and immediately fell in love. Much to Tom’s chagrin, I put in an application. A few days later the resuce emailed me to tell me that he had a potential adopter, but we’d be next in line. Feeling hopeless, the kids and I decided to go to the next “event” and see what else was available. I walked in and there Brandy was! I asked about his status and they said the potential adpoters never showed up, never called, and since I had proof that we were next in line, he was ours!!! The kids and I were so EXCITED. We bought him a bed and some dog food then jumped in the car and came home.

We opened the door to the house and he went right in. Needless to say, Tom was a little shocked we brought home a dog….and believe me integrating a 75 beast into your already busy family was not easy and without its setbacks. Nonetheless, its almost one year later, and I honestly don’t know what life was like before we had the old grouchy stinky dog, but we love him.

For me, I not only gained a walking partner, but I gained a soul that has bestowed upon me some of life’s most important lessons. Theses lessons are so simple, but yet over 42 years I have managed from time to time to forget their importance, yet he reminds me everyday.

Lessons From Brandy:

  1. Greet everyone with a smile and a soul full of joy. Every time you walk into my house you will see this completely dopey dog wagging his helicopter tail with a big goofy grin on his face to say hi. He doesn’t care if you’ve had a shit day or if you are on top of the world, he just wants you to know that he is happy to see you! I mean, he’s a TERRIBLE guard dog, but there is some comfort knowing that each time I walk in the door I am met with joy, gratitude, and general silliness.
  2. Look at each meal in front of you as a gift. No, it may not be your mom’s lasagna. Yes, the server brought you the wrong temperature on your steak. However, the food in front of you was prepared for you, as a gift, as a labor of love, and like Brandy, approach that meal with thanks. Brandy wags his tail just the same if I offer him the fat from my steak, a piece of popcorn, or his kibble. It doesn’t matter, he’s grateful and happy. What a profound lesson. Especially with so much food insecurity in this world, if you are blessed with enough food to eat, why not be grateful for it?
  3. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries. Like I said, we still don’t know much about Brandy’s past, but he certainly has certain situations that are uncomfortable to him and we’ve definitely learned how to communicate with each other. In other word’s, we worked with a trainer to learn dog signals and to teach him how to find calmness and trust, yet somethings are a non-negotiable for him. Guess what- I get it! As a woman, I wish I was as strong as he was setting those limits. For example, Brandy does not like to be confined in a small space with people hovering over him. He HATES loud noises. When these things occur, if necessary he mail give a little growl to let us know he is setting boundaries and removes himself to a safe space. I’m learning it is OK to give people a little “back-off” warning and remove myself from a situation that does not serve me.
  4. Be loyal and honorable. I am my harshest critic and I don’t normally set new year resolutions because I live one day to the next trying to be better–be kinder, listen more, laugh more, give more, etc. One thing I am terrible about is being loyal and honorable to MYSELF. I always try to do right by others, and I don’t always get it right, but I try. When it comes to myself, I am terrible about honoring the promises I make to myself. So this year, instead of promising to lose weight or donate more of my time, I am working on keeping promises to myself! As I watch my dog and his loyalty to his people, I notice that when he feels most peaceful inside that his willingness to trust us showed on the outside. It’s a simple lesson, find peace inside and the rest will follow.
  5. Stop and sniff. This is one of the hardest lessons for me. As a work-oriented, go, go go Capricorn, I need to be intentional about stopping and taking in the world around me. On our daily walks, I always want to forge ahead and get my steps and burn calories. There are many moments where Brandy will stop dead in his tracks and sniff. He looks at me like, “Ma, would you just appreciate the world around you for a second?!” Wow…..just wow. Such simple logic, but so true! This morning I stopped each time he did and looked at all of the blue jays, cardinals, and norther woodpeckers that are native here. I listened to the gently flowing stream cutting through the rocks in the woods. I felt the crisp air bite my cheeks. It was great and I came back in peace.
  6. After hard work, rest. We just got back from our walk and Brandy is snoozing. Though I can’t nap every time I work hard, I can, however, and should recharge my body when it needs it. I have a tendency to “work”–job, household chores, mom duties, etc–until the point of exhaustion and then I’m a grouch. It is OK to sit down for five minutes or leave the vacuuming until tomorrow. There is no point to hard work unless you can enjoy the fruits of your labor, so sit back rest and recharge.

There are so many other things this goofball has taught me and, I’m sure, much more to come. Each day in every way I am thankful for what he teaches me and for what I learn. They say dog is man’s best friend, but I say, dog is mama’s best friend.

xoxo – Angie and Brandy

Releasing

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Last night I sat under the moon. It was magical. It was “the cold moon” – the second full moon in Cancer this year. It was the moon of releasing and letting go of that which no longer serves you. Even tonight when I let my dog out, I was in awe of the heavenly body hanging just above my head. Like last night, I used my camera, in hopes of capturing just one small iota of what this beautiful sight stirred up in me.

What you should know is that yesterday, I came across a tape of my first astrological natal chart reading done in August of 2013. The astrologer was Myrna Lamb and she was just simply remarkable. After listening to our session, a whole bunch of thoughts, feeling, emotions, and wonderings came up in my head.

And just like that my brain remember it was the full moon, specifically the moon of releasing. So, at 11:30 pm, with the crisp winter air blowing through my hair, I sat on my deck wrapped in a blanket while my family slept inside and I just stared–and then let go.

I asked the moon for her guidance. I asked her to surround me with white light and to take those things that make me feel dark instead of light. I asked her to bless my cards with positive energy and light. I made commitments to myself–to be more patient with myself, to be more loving of myself, to let go. When I was done, I walked over to my fireplace, laid out my Goddess and Tarot cards and listened to what the universe was telling me. Cathartic…

I haven’t felt this sense of peace in a while. I haven’t paid attention to my spiritual needs and my soul feels that. For me, when I am not connecting with mother earth and the universe, I feel anxious, despondent, and confused. With my sun sign in Capricorn, I am an earth sign and have a tremendous connections with all things earth. With my rising sign in Pisces I am very spiritual and intuitive. My intuition was telling me that I had been neglecting what mother earth and the universe was telling me.

I know for many people all of this–astrology, moon energy, tarot cards, meditation–all seems like hocus pocus, but in all the years that I have searched for answers to the larger questions in life, nothing has evenly remotely answered what I’ve asked.

In any case, if you have not yet seen the moon…go look at her tonight. Technically last night (the 29th) was the official full moon, but she is still just as awesome. Look at her and ask her to take what no longer serves you and ask her to help manifest positive energy and light into your life.

I can hardly wait to witness each full moon that 2021 will bring. I eagerly await her messages. If she leaves me feeling as half as peaceful as I did last night, that is what I call a win.

  1. Happiness is that journey and not just a destination. Enjoy each day of the journey and make it awesome. Keep…

  2. Hi Sweetie, so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I just want you both to be happy. Help those…

Thankful for 2020

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For some reason I had this urge to sit down in my office, fingers to the keyboard and let out all of the floating thoughts that have been making their way through my mind. I don’t need to say that 2020 has been one big ball of suck….this is generally a universal truth. And, I certainly do NOT need to list the reasons why 2020 sucked. My 2020 is no worse or better than yours. We are all in this together, aren’t we?

That, my friends is the human condition. When things are difficult, we must learn to change and adapt in order to survive. If nothing else, 2020 has taught us all that we are capable of adapting.

Yes, it is certainly more difficult for some than others, but overall, the world came together, made changes and adapted. For me, as the year closes, I am not looking to erase this year, nor am I looking to quickly put it behind me. I find that if I live in a constant state of thinking about all that is wrong and negative, I find myself getting into a dark cycle. Instead, as I reflect on 2020, here are some things I am eternally grateful for….

  1. My overall good health. I finally took the time to take care of me. I lost nearly 20 pounds and continue to work towards losing the final 10. I treated my body like it deserved and started to look at myself with the same care and love that I have for others.
  2. I learned SO much. I learned how to play soccer. We, as a family built and grew a vegetable garden. I went clamming, hiked of miles in my local forests, developed a new love for baking, learned how to balance work and “home schooling”
  3. Life slowed down. Yes, sports were canceled. Yes, I had to work from home. Yes, I wasn’t able to go out to eat all of the time. In that, I learned to appreciate what I once took for granted. I had no choice but to slow down and really look at the blessings around me.
  4. I rediscovered my deep connection to mother earth and nature. I get outside at least once a day and look at the earth beneath my feet, the sky above my head, and breathe the air in my lungs with awe. As we, one human race, buckled down, mother nature was able to heal and for that I am most thankful.
  5. I developed deep relationships with friends that have become family. We have been with each other almost daily and without them, I’m not sure I would have weathered the “storm”. We laughed, we cried, we ate, we talked, we danced, we drank, we bonded…. for better or worse this year has connected us in ways I will never forget. My heart is full.
  6. I am in the process of rediscovering and filling my spiritual side. I openly listen to what the universe has in store for me and I am developing my relationship with my God, my Goddess, my spiritual guardians, loved ones that have passed, and the stars. I am listening to my intuition and sentient self.
  7. Finally, I am working towards healing. Healing past hurts. Healing the self hate I’ve carried for 42 years. Healing from losses. Healing from things I don’t always understand. Sometimes, you just have to trust that you are right where you are supposed to be and that the universe has you in the palm of her hand.
  8. Family – near or far, my family has and will always be the lifeblood that runs through my veins. Some I can only see through a computer screen, others I can hug and hold close, but nonetheless they are all, in their own ways, the foundation in which I stand.

2020, instead of thinking what went wrong, I want to thank you for all of these things and many more. You’ve made us stronger and more resilient and certainly, I’ve become even more reflective than I already was.

2020, thank you. xoxo

Just a few of 2020s blessings

Finding Free

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Have you ever had one of those days where you just don’t know what the F@#$ you want?

I woke up today feeling super indecisive and with a bunch of anxiety….and I don’t know why…and I can’t decide what to do.  Is my anxiety rendering me incapable of making a decision or is my inability to make a decision feeding my anxiety?

I couldn’t even decide what to make for breakfast…and there aren’t a ton of choices….I have a keto lifestyle as of late.

Do I clean my house? Do I do yard work?  Do I waste the day and watch old movies on the couch?  Do I write my paper–which by the way is due in three weeks, but my professor has barely given us guidance.

I hate this feeling, but it will pass, as it usually does.  At least I could decide to sit and write in hopes that getting this out will give me some relief.

I guess some days are just like that.  Up in the air.  I hope when I send my final, final, FINAL paper of grad school I’ll be relaxed again.  Working full time, mom and wife of three, grad school, etc was a lot.  It is definitely worth it, but a lot.  And I think that this pandemic certainly has not helped.  Not because I am a paranoid person.  Actually, I, in many ways, think a bit of this was overdone, but, I do think that we are ignoring the mental health effects of social isolation and being “stuck” in a house with the same 5 people with no outlet for 3+ months.

Don’t get me wrong, my people are AWESOME, but I do miss hanging with my bestie getting a beverage.  I so want to go get a pedicure and not feel confined by a mask.  I want to go to the beach and dip my toes in the water but not worry that someone will judge me for not wearing a mask in open space.  And I REALLY miss dates night with my favorite guy, sitting at a bar, people watching, laughing, and canoodling like teenagers.

I sooooooooooo hope this world returns to normal soon.  I know I”ll adjust, I always do, but today has got me feeling like I just don’t know what to do about it all.

At least writing gives me an outlet to let it out.  I don’t care if anyone reads, I just know that I’ve sent my thoughts and feeling to the universe and she can send back what she sees fit. So, thanks for listening universe.  As usual, from my lips (or fingertips) to your ears and I’m feeling a little freer.  xoxo